Sissy brittney 2011
04-17-2011: Hello Mistress
This was one of those sessions that it's very difficult
to talk about given the intimate nature of what went on, but i can say
that I definitely missed this feeling and I was glad that we were able
to slip back into it so easily and so fully after so much time apart.
You kept asking me where I go in my head when things are calm, and
this was another one of those moments where I think I'm responding, but
apparently what I thought I was saying in my head was not actually
coming out of my mouth as I thought it was. Those moments are always a
little uncomfortable for me, because you keep asking, waiting for a
response, and I think I've already given it, but obviously it didn't
take, and all I can do is keep saying it, but apparently it's not coming
out of my zone-addled mind. Anyway, what I was trying to say but
apparently not saying very well was that where I go mentally, and where
I was physically were at that point the same thing. That space I go to
in my head is basically you, if you were a place, if that makes any
sense. All the space around is consumed by your presence. When we talk
about the darkness, it's not emptiness with you and me in it, it's me,
and the rest of everything else is you. Again, that might sound weird,
and I understand why the condensed version I was trying to say the other
day might have come out as nonsense, but I can't really think of a
better way to describe it.
The closer I get to you, whether it's worshiping your feet at first
or closer up on the bed, it feels like I'm in a place where I only exist
as a series of senses, I can feel, and hear and smell and taste, but
other than that, I'm not really there, and you are the only thing that
is there. In that zone I sort of become defined by the feeling of your
touch and the sound of your voice, because how you feel, your reaction,
and the stimulus you cause, are the only ways I still register as being
there. I still don't think I'm explaining this right, but I think this
is a lot of the reason why I still had that misunderstanding about slave
versus submissive. I think I sublimate myself so much when I'm with you,
I lose any real sense of myself and it's easy for me to think of myself
as something with no rights who is only an extension of you.
I do of course want to talk about how the session ended, and I have
to say that you put that other side of me in perspective in a way that
really has me feeling good about it for the first time ever. It's not
that it's not still humiliating, which it is, but being reminded in no
uncertain terms that you are directing it and whatever happens is only
what you want to happen pretty much eliminated the extra guilt I had
invested in this urge. I was feeling like my own neuroses and problems
were dominating me as much or more than you were, and so I felt guilty,
and now I feel like that weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm
still of the opinion that I don't need that in the way that I thought I
did before, but if and when you decide to bring it out, I think this
past session was a perfect distillation of what I was needing. I don't
think it's a coincidence that the outfit was the same as the one I wore
so long ago, and it added so much to the experience, and the tone of
your voice, that soft, taunting tone that was biting without being
angry, burrowed into my brain in a way that is still reverberating. It's
weird to say it, but I never thought I could feel that humiliation
without also feeling that depression that came with it, and this was the
first time the latter didn't come with it.
I think I will wrap this up, as it is now 2:30 in the morning and I
should get back to sleep. I will hopefully see you soon. Until then,
thank you for another amazing and illuminating session.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED.
- Sissy Brittney.
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03-13-2011: Hello Mistress
Looking back on it, the most enduring memory of our session this past week
was actually the very beginning. Before I realized that I was late and before we
analyzed what that might have meant, I just remember walking into your room and
finding the lights already off and you on the bed, almost in silhouette, and
feeling my heart drop in my chest a little bit. It was a very strange,
disconcerting feeling, because I have always associated the dark haze of that
environment with the zone that I fall into midway through a session, and to walk
into it right away was almost like walking into another dimension. There was no
easing into things, no pleasant conversation to get me relaxed before we start
whatever it is you have planned for the day, just 0 to 60, get dressed and go.
It's odd to think how much I value those brief moments before we start sessions,
being able to gradually re-adjust to being around you and shaking off the
agitation from the week's stress, that I would miss it when it didn't happen.
Maybe it seems like a small thing now, but it really hit me as disorienting.
You have kind of thrown a wrench in my self-analysis with the whole
subconscious lateness thing, if only because you now have me wondering what else
I might be doing without realizing it. Given everything we've been dealing with
lately, the idea that there's even more that I'm not even cognizant of does not
leave me hopeful about dealing with my problems as quickly as I would like.
Still, it's good to know that it's still not interfering with our normal
sessions and my ability to be of use to you however I can be. I'm always
hesitant to go into details just out of a concern for the intimacy of it, and
half the time, my inability to express my thoughts here stems from trying to
word this appropriately, but without going into too much detail, having that
re-affirmation of my role and being able to fulfill it without collapsing into a
heap of low self-esteem was really a big step for me in terms of getting back to
normal.
It's just a matter of reminding myself that it's not about me, and that as
much as I get pre-occupied with my own neuroses and trying to resolve them,
ultimately my utility to you and capacity to serve your needs is the only thing
that matters. It doesn't mean I'm not still worried about it, but at the end of
the day, as long as I'm fulfilling my duty to you and not letting my own mind
get in the way of that, the rest will eventually fall into place. I keep
thinking that I'm placing obligations onto you to deal with my issues, as though
I could. I need to learn, or I guess re-learn to let you control me and shape me
to your whims. I don't know when or how I forgot that or stopped trusting you to
do that, and all I can think of is that its often so subtle and understated that
I don't notice when your pushing me in a certain direction.
Again, for the sake of discretion, I don't know how far you want me to go in
describing what happened at the end of the session, but then I still haven't
really wrapped my head around it completely myself as it is. It makes me think
that alot of the problem stems from me not communicating things clearly enough
or not knowing the terms well enough. The fact that you were concerned with the
humiliation going home with me, when in my head I thought I had explained the
problem as something completely different, struck me as interesting and a little
strange considering how that kind of misunderstanding rarely happens with us. I
just think all of this is so confusing for me that I have yet to adequately
describe the problem to myself, let alone to you, and I really need to map it
out and figure out exactly what's going on, and what my best guess is as to why,
before trying to come up with a permanent solution. That being said, I'm happy
to say that the experiment was somewhat successful, as I have not felt any
particular urges since that session, and when I do get close to feeling that
way, the memory of that pain does get in the way. The weirdest thing is that the
thing you added to it, presumably to make it even more humiliating, didn't
really phase me that much. Just the fact of what I was doing in front of you,
and how pathetically quick and unsentimental it all was, was more than enough to
trigger that sense in my head.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED
- Sissy Brittany.
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