Sissy brittney 2008
Weekly Journal Entry:
12-21-08: "GOOD GIRL" By Sissy Brittney
I awake where she left me, arms fixed behind my back by leather restraints,
head forced down into a mountain of pillows, and my ass in the air. Easy access,
my Mistress calls it, because all it takes is a few flicks of her wrist to flip
up my plaid school girl skirt, pull down my panties, and...well, can't think
about that now.
Too much to think about; sensory overload. The buzz of the vibrating egg
courses through me, sending a shiver up and down my spine and turning my arms
and legs into jello. The pulsating flashes of the strobe lights on either side
of me dig into my brain even with my eyes shut tight. Suddenly, I hear the door
beside me slowly creak open. The scent of peppermint catches my nostrils and I
know that my Mistress is here, and with each soft footstep towards me, my
stomach twists and turns in anticipation.
I feel a quick rush of excitement as she touches me for the first time, her
fingertips playfully grazing against my side as she walks around me. She knows
every tender spot, every sensitivity; in fact she made many of them and never
hesitates to exploit them for her own amusement. She loves to make me squirm,
and I love to please her just as much.
Finally I feel her behind me, her hands on my hips as her fingernails dig
into my flesh. She doesn't say a word and she doesn't have to; no need to ask
permission to play with her property. She traces her index finger along the line
up and down the small of my back, and I resist the urge to moan, knowing that
once I start, I won't be able to stop. It will just get louder and louder, and
the walls are thin.
I feel her cock dangling just inches away from me. I have no real way of
knowing that it's there, but I know it's there, and in that instant I go from a
simple submissive, ready to wait patiently for my next command, to an insatiable
slut. I want a beg her to fuck me as hard as she can like the cock-craving bitch
that she's made me. I don't just need to be fucked; I need her to dominate me
with her cock, to feel her power with every thrust. I want to scream as loud as
I can, to offer anything in exchange for her using me, but I've been ordered to
keep quiet, and I abide.
Just when I think that I can't possibly take it anymore, I feel the first
flick of her wrist as my skirt flies up, and then the second as my panties come
down. Her preparation of me feels like a dance routine, every motion
choreographed and fluid, awaiting the final climactic moment. Without thinking,
I let out a soft sigh of relief as the egg comes out and I feel that familiar
rush of cold shoot through me.
I feel the smooth tip of her black strap-on start to go inside and my breath
catches in my throat. I try to keep talking in my head, to keep myself from
slipping completely into the hazy pleasure coma that inevitably hits me. The
head goes in completely and my mind explodes. The floodgates open and I let out
a loud moan, no longer caring about those thin walls. Any tangible thoughts I
was forming disappear, replaced only by a visceral, wordless "Thank you
Mistress" hovering in my head. Than I realize something and my heart
sinks...it's stopped.
I can almost feel the sadistic smile grow across my Mistress' face as she
sees my torment, that glint in her eye she gets when she knows how much she
thoroughly owns me. She knows what I want, what I need, and wants me to know, as
though I didn't already, that she'll only give it to me if, when, and how she
wants to. I almost start to cry at the thought that this was all just a tease
for her amusement, and I try in vain to push back, only to be stopped by the
limits of the stress position. She hovers there, just long enough to make me
think that all hope is lost, until finally, and thankfully for the sake of my
sanity, she gives me a quick slap and plunges in with full force.
I feel a slight tug on the collar around my neck and realize a leash has
been attached, and just as soon as I have this realization, I feel the sharp
pull of it choking me, turning my moans into painful gasps. There's no romance,
no soft start, no slow easing into things; just the full power of my Mistress
impaling me, starting faster and harder than I've ever thought it could be and
then somehow going faster and harder still. Every time she pounds into me, she
pulls on the leash with one hand and smacks me on the ass with the other, like
she were taming a wild animal. Her breathing gets heavy as she moves in deeper,
working hard to make sure I feel every inch of her.
She begins to whisper her stream of consciousness in my ear: "Take it...take
it bitch...you love my cock, don't you bitch..." I want to answer, but I can't
form the words; all I can do is moan and do as she says, take every incredible
moment of it.
"Tell how much you love it, Cunt!" She commands with another quick slap. I
scream something at the top of my lungs, but I'm not sure what it was or if it
even made any sense. I can only hope that I said what I feel, that I love her
cock more than anything, that I need it like I need air, that my place in life
is here, her slut to be fucked and abused, and that I'm so grateful she even
grants me the undeserved honor of registering my existence, let alone unleashing
the slut inside me. I somehow doubt I got that all out in my pathetic yelp, but
whatever I said, it only made her more aggressive.
She fucks me for what seems like hours, never stopping, never slowing down.
Every part of me is sore and aching but I don't care and apparently neither does
she. I just want this to go on forever, to stay in this place feeling orgasm
after orgasm attack every cell in my body. Finally, with one last tug of the
leash and one more smack, she pulls out of me, then slams the entire length in
as hard as she can. I cry out, a mixture of pain, pleasure, and about a dozen
other emotions I can't quite peg down.
She dismounts and walks over to the side of the bed, her cock still dangling
from her waist, now inches from my face. She lifts up my head by my hair and
turns me to face her. I instantly want to suck it, but I don't have the strength
to move or beg or do anything else for that matter. She sees my desperation and
laughs, seductively bouncing the head of her cock just out of reach of my lips.
Another whimper escapes me and she laughs even harder.
"What are you?" She asks gently, and I mumble some kind of gibberish, unable
to form the words.
"What are you!?" She asks more sternly, slapping me in the face with her
cock and tugging again at the leash.
"I'm...your slut...mistress." I finally reply.
"That's right. That's a good girl." With that she swings her hips forward,
jabbing the head of cock at my lips.
"Kiss it." I eagerly obey as best I can, clumsily kissing the head. I move
to go further on instinct, but she pulls away.
"No, no, you don't deserve it tonight. Now, thank your mistress for fucking
you." Sometimes I forget that even though she's so deep in my head, she can't
literally read my mind, and doesn't know that I've had those words hovering in
my head ever since I first felt her inside me.
"Th...thank you mistress." I collapse, now finally drained of every last bit
of energy. I feel her pat my head, and just as I pass out, I think I hear her
once again say the words that uplift me every time I hear them.
"Good girl."
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12-10-08: Hello Mistress
NOTE: This one turned out a little weird, so be warned -
The best thing I can say at the outset, as far as how last night's session
affected me, was that this morning, for the first time in a while, I woke up and
I wasn't just down and depressed; I was actually upbeat. After all the crap of
the last few weeks, I think I really needed to come back to that place we go to
and just let go of it all. This might sound weird, but the more I reflect on our
sessions together, the more I think of them as therapy. I've always had problems
with intimacy and trusting people, and because of that I tend to close myself
off, but every time I see you, I feel a little bit more comfortable out in the
world once I leave. I just starting think about this because of the way things
went last night. I think I mentioned, with how rough it was, how yesterday's
session was sort of like that previous one that didn't go so well, except you
were there, so the trust was there. Just thinking about how far it went, how
much it often hurt, or how degrading it was at certain points, and yet because
of our relationship and our trust level, I was right there with you all the way.
I wasn't scared or hurt or feeling violated, but ready, willing, and practically
begging for every bit of it. It doesn't sound that strange because we've been
seeing each other so long, but the person I was before I met you could never
have trusted anyone enough to tolerate being in that situation, let alone enjoy
it as much as I did. It's something that goes beyond any particular session,
that I can be that vulnerable with someone and feel so comfortable sharing that
much.
I still regret that e-mail I sent before, but for the record, the weird
agitated urges I had that prompted it were all thoroughly satisfied last night.
Maybe it isn't good form to go to the dirty stuff after the paragraph of
heartfelt introspection, but being able to suck your cock, especially after so
long, just makes the slut in me go crazy. Even now thinking about it I can
barely type. I can almost feel your hand on my head, guiding me, whispering the
filthiest possible things in my ear as you push my head down. And yes, the final
realization of my fantasy was well worth the wait. Thinking about it now, I
don't think the thrill of it was so much the feeling, even though it felt great,
as much as it was the visual. Seeing you on top of me, crushing me, with your
cock in my face so up close and personal that I couldn't get away even if I
wanted to. I didn't realize the helplessness angle of it when I suggested it,
but there's something about you towering over me that makes the whole experience
click. It's almost as if I literally shrink in your presence, like my submission
to you is more real. I suppose it might be weird to have a perspective fetish,
but again, the image in my mind right now is making it hard to concentrate. It
will be an interesting experiment to see how long it lasts, because every time I
picture it in my head, you on my chest, cock between my breasts, in addition to
the obvious effect, my mind just slips back to that moment. My chest almost
feels heavy right now.
I think I'm going to leave this now, while this image is still strong, and,
well, I'm going to go...Anyway, thank you again for another amazing session, and
especially for giving me an outlet for releasing some of the baggage I pick up.
You wouldn't have known, but I just zoned out again for ten minutes, sucking
your cock again in my own little fantasy world. We really need to do that more
often.
Anyway, thanks, and I'll see you soon.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED
- Sissy Brittney
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11-15-08: Hello Mistress
Sorry this is late, but I'm still having internet problems today. Anyway, to
start out, I'll say that when I left last night, I had a very strange experience
driving home. It started almost right when I started driving down your street,
when suddenly my senses sort of kicked into overdrive. It was like in a science
fiction movie when the space ship goes into warp and hits the event horizon, all
the street lights and head lights were just buzzing around. I actually had to
stop the car for a second to get my head straight. I made it home safe after
that, but it was scary for a minute. By the way, the weird sort of craving I had
towards the end of the session didn't go away after I did what we talked about,
but it is gone now. I went to bed around 1:00, and when I woke up, I was feeling
normal again. I don't know what that was, but it made my night more frustrating
than usual.
I must say, the session wasn't what I expected it to be, but it was better
than I thought it could be. To be honest, despite how much I was longing for
this particular experiment, part of me feared that once we got into things, the
silliness of it would take over, neither of us would be able to feel that spark
that usually happens, and it would just end badly. Obviously that wasn't the
case, and I think I can safely say once again that this was one of the most
physically and mentally impactful sessions we've ever had. I just didn't think I
would be able to get past the facade, to forget that those things on my chest
were just fake plastic, but I did, almost instantly. I don't know if it's
technically hypnosis or not, but whatever happens when you put me in that state,
part of me is fascinated by what you can make me do and believe, and part of me
is terrified (in a good way). In retrospect. I think the session we had a few
weeks ago, the one that ended with me crying, was really a breakthrough,
destroying that last little bit of control I was subconsciously exerting, so
that I feel like I'm much more pliable and suggestible once you've strobed my
mind into mush.
You wouldn't know it reading this, but I just took a five minute breather to
get the image of you fucking me, my legs on your shoulders, out of my head. Not
that I don't like the image, but it makes it hard to concentrate on writing
this. I'll try to get through the paragraph. The experience of you there, that
almost angry glint in your eye as you speed up your thrusts, making sure I feel
every inch of you, is one that is at this point probably burned into my brain.
The concept of intimacy that you were stressing was certainly there all
throughout, but while it was happening, it was the furthest thing from my mind.
When I think of intimacy, my mind drifts to slow and soft things, and this was
anything but. This was just hard and fast fury, a dominant and her toy being
thrown about like a (willing and very very appreciative) rag doll. I get the
intimacy now, but in the moment, my brain was on fire, and all that could occupy
my thoughts was how much I needed it harder and faster.
I look forward to part two of the experiment, and I'll be especially curious
to see if it has the same after effect that it did yesterday. The more I think
about it, that need towards the end to be spanked, the more I wonder if that is
always there, after every session, or would be. Like we hit a higher level, and
whereas otherwise I might have been fine, yesterday it had just built up too
much and I needed some release (not that kind, just a physical shock to the
system to counter the previous one). Anyway, I suppose we'll see. Thank you
again for another great session, and hopefully, barring holidays, I will see you
soon.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED (some sessions remind of this more than
others, and this was one of them!)
- Sissy Brittney.
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11-07-08: Hello Mistress
Given how we ended yesterday's session, I am really, really tempted to ask
you what you're doing Monday, but I think Friday or later should be fine (and by
fine, I mean, my head probably won't explode in the mean time). I'm still a
little hung up on how silly it is, like I can't help getting a thrill up my leg
thinking about what we talked about, but at the same time, it really shouldn't
affect me as much as it does. Anyway, I'll devote an entry to that if and when
we do it. For now, yesterday's session was intense enough by itself. Coming away
from it now, I kind of see this session as the exact opposite of the last one.
It's the difference between the sporadic periods of loneliness and violation
that hit me the first time, versus something that I don't really have a word
for. It's the frightening absence of you in the darkness, versus an
overabundance, where I can't open or close my eyes without seeing you there,
which in that state is incredibly comforting. The best thing I can compare it to
is when you wake up in the morning, and its winter time and freezing, but your
under a really thick comforter. You know that you can get out of bed, and that
eventually you'll have to, but its going to be cold and uninviting, and until
you absolutely have to, or are forced to, you just want to stay right where you
are, inside the cocoon, and just melt. That cold shock you feel when the cocoon
finally comes off is what I feel on my brain when our session is over.
What hit me after wards, when I got home last night and I was reflecting
on what had just happened, was the different reaction I had this time to the
sexual part of the session, as opposed to last time; to go from rape to probably
one of the better experiences of being fucked that I think I've had, ever. To be
honest, I was a little concerned about what might happen, given our previous
experience, and while I was confident that everything would be fine, a part of
me worried that if you tried to use the strapon again this time, I would, I
don't know, flashback or something. It sounds ridiculous now, but I remember my
body jumping a bit when I felt it happening, like on a biological level, I
remembered the last time, that fear, and was prepared for that. Obviously it
didn't turn out that way, and it was probably one of the most intense (in a good
way) experiences I've had in a session. I don't know if you did anything
different, but it seemed more, I guess urgent. It was faster and harder than
usual, which is exactly what I need when I'm that charged up. I could actually
feel you, actively pushing into me; I wasn't just being fucked, but you were
fucking me. Not that I don't normally feel that, physically speaking, but it was
like I could feel your passion in it, which I don't always sense. Fast and
rough, and just reckless, it's the kind of ride that keeps me up at night (and
it did, by the way).
I'm afraid it's getting crowded at the moment, so I'll have to end it here
for now. It feels a little incomplete, especially given how much we did, but
I've been distracted this morning by other things. I'll probably continue this
later (I have to work today, so I'll work on my thoughts again tonight when I
get back, and maybe get you something else tomorrow morning). Anyway, thank you
for another wonderful session, and I'll see you soon.
P.S. I see the image of what we talked about every time I shut my eyes...so,
what is your schedule like Monday?...no, no, I'll manage.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney
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10-10-08: Hello Mistress
I already anticipate that this journal entry is going to be a strange trip
to go on, but I need to write something (not because it's required or anything
like that, but because I think if I don't sort this out I might go insane and
start making some of those frantic phone calls again). Anyway, to start with,
I'll say that I probably should not have left your house as early as I did,
because I don't think I was quite ready for the drive home. I had this sort of
tunnel vision all the way back, and I'm surprised that I didn't get lost or get
into an accident. I did ultimately make it back safe obviously, but next time,
if my reaction to whatever you come up with is as intense, I'll make sure I'm
sufficiently calmed down before getting behind the wheel.
It's been very hard to write this entry this time, for obvious reasons, but
I'll try. Part of it is that to write these, it works best if I try to put my
mind back into the experience, but this time, my mind doesn't want to go back
there. Every time I try, or even inadvertently remember fleeting glimpses of it,
I start to shudder and get a bit nauseous. Now that I write that, I wonder if it
sounds a bit insulting, like you did something awful to me, and I'm really
wondering what other people reading this must think, but that's just my physical
reaction. Yesterday's session was the first time I've ever been that scared in
the context of the submissive/dominant relationship; its like if we had gone
back to the needle session, but you had actually gone through with it. Before I
continue, I just want to say, I don't want you to feel bad or guilty or
anything, because as much as the experience was somewhat intense and even a
little traumatic, I actually learned something from it.
In retrospect, I've come away with a new appreciation for just how far
inside my head you can crawl, so far that apparently even you can't always
control what goes on. I was surprised that you were surprised, that you hadn't
planned it in some way, or at least accounted for it, and it was actually a good
feeling in a way, that even though I had gone through something frightening,
that you were exploring a side of me that even you didn't know was there. I
don't know if I'm saying this right, but although the result was not entirely
pleasant, this was a reminder and a reaffirmation that your influence over isn't
just a function of making me squirm or causing a physical reaction (usually an
ecstatic one), but that you are truly and completely in my mind, craving your
niche. You hit a nerve yesterday that you obviously didn't intend to hit, and
that caused something you obviously didn't intend to cause, but just the fact
that you're deep enough to hit that nerve, to effect me that much, is still a
good thing, and ultimately what we've been trying to accomplish in the first
place.
It was also very illuminating to know just how differently we each perceive
what goes on during a session, specifically in the dark place in my head you
create. We talked a lot about this already, but it never occurred to me before,
as it probably should have, that the darkness you put in my head by your
suggestion wasn't exactly what you intended. That two dimensional existence, you
and everything else, is always what I assumed you were striving to create, and
its where I've always been when you put me in that state. I never got that the
two dimensions were actually supposed to be one thing, you always there, even in
the darkness, which sounds obvious now that I say it out loud, to the point
where I feel a little stupid. I think the difference is between what I may
understand about that dark place instinctively, versus what my inner senses,
that you control, are telling me. This might get very weird and existential, but
here goes: I might be completely cognizant of that fact that your always there,
especially because I can always hear your voice, even when I can't feel your
presence and your voice is telling me you've gone away. But the thing is, the
voice carries the suggestion, and when you tell me you've gone, even if I can
still hear you, I believe you've gone, and then I'm left in a very cold and
lonely place. At that point, you've essentially told me to shut off my senses in
that place and believe whatever it is you've just said, which I do apparently
automatically. Another welcome consequence of this experiment is that now that
we know about this distinction, its something to experiment with more in the
future (hopefully with less traumatic results).
Once again, I don't want you to feel bad or guilty or anything like that.
You had no reason to think that what happened would happen, and at the end of
the day, I'm fine and no harm was done. I still consider this a great session,
especially on the thought provoking standard, and I am eager for the next one.
That being said, thank you again, and I will see you next time.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney
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09-28-08: Hello Mistress
Sorry if this is a bit late, but work went on a little longer than I thought
it would. I'll mention first off that, as an indication of what I took from
yesterday's session emotionally and psychologically, I took a nap today before I
left for work, and I woke up shivering, literally feeling the crack of the whip
from a dream I don't remember, curled up in a fetal position on the couch. I can
only imagine if I said anything embarrassing or incriminating in my sleep. When
I think back on our session, especially the first part where I was chained to
the gallows, the points on my body hardest hit actually start to tingle a little
bit, even though the sting went away a while ago. I can already tell that this
is going to be one of those entries where I have to stop and collect my thoughts
a few times, as I just did, because I keep getting lost inside my head.
Thinking back on that part of the session, which seems a lot longer in my
mind than I think it probably actually was, I keep going back to when it really
started to hurt, to the point where intellectually I felt like it was unbearable
and I was seconds away from needing my safety word. In retrospect, I feel kind
of silly that it took so long for me to realize why I could never seem to
actually say it. If you had done this kind of thing a year and a half ago, I
think I probably would have said it about half way through. I think you
mentioned yesterday the trust we've built up and I'm really glad that when my
instinct took over, that instinct was to keep going, knowing that if I'd stopped
it, you'd be disappointed. We talked about endorphins, causing an excited
reaction from pain, and while I didn't feel that much, once it got past that
pain threshold, once I was literally "suffering for you pleasure," I started to
feel something akin to that. It sounds weird, or maybe it's normal, but the
feeling that I'm contributing to your happiness, making you laugh or just
knowing that you're enjoying the session at least as much as I am, is almost as
satisfying as zoning out. Even when I was crying, just this massive cathartic
explosion on the bed, trying to get as close to you as I could, I still felt
good, that I'd accomplished something, because I could feel that you were proud
of me.
I think I'm going to stop here for now, but I definitely want to send you
something more later, once I collect my thoughts a little more. I keep stopping
and starting, and I'm gonna go back and work on something more concrete and well
thought out. In the mean time, thank you again for another great session, which
as you might have guessed has once again left me with a lot to think about. I'll
send you something later, maybe tomorrow, and I'll see you next time.
I am a cunt, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED
- Sissy Brittney.
Part 2
Hello again.
Again, sorry for being a little late on this. I'm already getting the
feeling that this is shaping up to be one of those weeks. Anyway, upon further
reflection, I'm a little less frazzled and a little more contemplative now, and
probably in a better place to analyze the last session than I was on Saturday
afternoon. When I think back on it now, I keep going back to that pendulum
swing, that feeling of going back and forth from one extreme to the other.
Before Friday, it had been awhile since we experimented with extended periods of
pain, and I had forgotten how much it effected me emotionally the last time. And
it wasn't a bad thing either; as much as I often talk about my limited threshold
for pain, there's something very freeing about going so far past the point where
I ever thought I could handle, and just trust you to shepherd me through to
wherever you want me to be. I don't feel the sting anymore, but when I visualize
the whip coming at me, I still jump a bit, and it isn't a flinch that comes from
fear or negative reinforcement, but rather it's the same kind of jump I usually
get when I think back on the good parts of a typical sessions.
And then the pendulum swung back, and I went from the most pain I thought I
could ever take, back to that safe place I never want to leave once I'm there.
Another positive of the pain experiment, once it goes to the other extreme, it
is a hundred times more peaceful and warm and safe then it would be if we'd
started there. It still frightens me a bit that I lose myself so quickly and so
fully, and the effect was even more pronounced this last time. There's this rush
that comes over me as I go back and forth, like coming up from underwater,
shivering, and then shooting back down. It's very jarring, even now as I try to
think about it. I don't know if there's even a way to describe it or if you've
ever gone through anything similar to compare it to, but it is a very profound
experience.
I'm sorry, but once again, people are crowding, and I will have to end this
here. I'm not sure if you want to add this on to the other one or not, but most
of this is just me sorting through the craziness in my head anyway, so it could
go either way. Anyway, thanks again, and we'll talk later about when our next
session will be.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney.
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| 09-13-08: Hello Mistress I'm finally finished working for the day, and thankfully being in that disgusting atmosphere for so long hasn't taken away all of the happy after effects of our session yesterday, though it did remind me just how great our sessions are compared to my daily life, and the contrast was sort of depressing, going from that high to this low. Writing this now, it's actually served to give me a somewhat different perspective on what we do when we meet, as I've gotten away from a lot of the psychological giddiness that I usual feel the next day. As strange as this sounds, I'm actually starting to wonder if it's better to have the gap between sessions like we had this time (though not necessarily for as long as that, maybe back to every other week or every two weeks), in sort of an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" sort of way. I'm just thinking of what I went through after the session when you had me wake up, going so far past the point of "zoning" that I almost cycled back and overloaded; I wonder if the effect would have been as strong had I seen you the previous Friday as well. I'm sort of torn between two realities, between the fact that seeing you is the highlight of my week, and wanting the connection to be as strong as possible, which seems to get stronger the longer we stay apart. Obviously this is just from my end of the question and its something we would have to discuss next time I see you, but I thought you should know where my head is at right now. Again, everything that's happened today, sort of the exact horrifying opposite of everything amazing we did yesterday, has pointed my thought process into a weird direction, and I don't know if I'm thinking more clearly than usual or less. Thinking about our session, the thing that pops into my head now is, thinking about our experiment with intimacy, our becoming closer by you getting inside my head and pushing the psychological aspect as far as it can go, and I'm wondering if there is another way to do it. Not that everything we have been doing hasn't been incredible, but I can't help thinking about a session we had months ago where I was sitting on the bench, and you were on the bed, not physically touching me at all, but just with the sound of your voice, literally controlling my mind (I don't know if it was actually technically hypnotism or what, but it really left an impression). Anyway, in the wake of yesterday's session, I have this idea, I hesitate to call it a fantasy as it's more just something I'm curious about. I suppose it's something like tease and denial, except instead of that kind of stimulation, the tease is that physical connection, the worship. I'm remembering a point during our session when we were on the bed, and you wanted me to come closer to you, but my body was so drained that I could barely move. I felt like I might as well have been in bondage, and all I wanted was just out of my reach, and while it was motivation at the time to summon whatever strength I had to roll over, now I'm looking at that moment in terms of the feeling of helplessness that we always explore. It wasn't the only moment like that either: every time your lips pulled away or for whatever reason I couldn't feel your presence so close to me, it was like a tornado picked up my house and I was just standing there shivering with everything I knew taken away. I have people crowding around so I'll cut this short for now, but I was wondering if we could explore this further. I don't know if I'm being clear enough at this point so maybe we can talk back and forth through emails a little bit to get to what I'm thinking. Anyway, thank you again for another great session (and an unexpected spirited political debate, which is frankly like cocaine for me), and I'll see you soon I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked Sissy Brittney ---------------------------------------------------------- |
| 08-01-08: Hello Mistress While I should stress again that you did not leave me completely incapacitated mentally, and you will not be receiving a frantic call from me tonight, I still have to admit that I was certainly affected by yesterday's session in a way that is still reverberating with me today, and in a way that I'm not quite sure I've figured out yet. The best way I can describe the immediate sensation is that its like what I imagine phantom limb syndrome would feel like. I'm just realizing now how strange that sounds, so let me explain. That point we found ourselves in at the end of the session, which I think sort of came out of the blue a little bit, was probably the most physically connected with you that I've ever felt. I think you brought up the idea that in a way, it's almost like bonding, like I was instinctually trying to climb inside you, and I think that's as accurate a description of it as anything I could come up with. It's like becoming one person, and not in the schmaltzy romantic sense, but just in terms of a level of intimacy that was more powerful than I normally feel, that as you saw, I almost couldn't control. And now that its over, and I'm here alone again, its almost as if I can still feel that extra presence; that warmth, or the after effect of it, is still sort of hovering around me, like when someone loses a limb but they can still feel it. Again, I don't want this to sound like I'm putting too fine a point on it. I'm not freaking out or re-evaluating everything I once thought about everything (and I have had those weeks before), its just that I don't think I've entirely come off the cloud of crossing this new threshold yet. I am still a bit concerned with what happened in the sense that I still had the instinct to pull back. We discussed the reasons for it and the need to explore further pretty completely after the session, and I have no doubt that as we do explore things my concern will be gone as it always is in these situations, but right now, its just something that I thought wouldn't happen. I didn't think that at this point I would be afraid of losing control like that; I thought and hoped that I had been conditioned at this point to let things go, to completely cede power to you, and the discovery of this last little bit of guardedness is a little embarrassing. I guess ultimately it is a good thing, to know it was there and be able to let it go. Its just that every time I feel like I'm going to disappoint you, either doing something wrong or failing to do something, it almost physically causes me pain, like even if you didn't literally correct me I'd still feel the sting of it on my brain, and I recoil at the prospect of it. Again, I guess that in itself is also a good thing, to know I'm that whipped (with or without, you know, literally being whipped). I'm kidding of course, but it is good to know that my instincts, even if they're misguided at times, all come from a point of submission, that I'm subliminally trained at this point to want to serve, even though wires might get crossed now and again. Speaking of weird crossed wires in my brain, that mental wall we talked about, that lock that I couldn't unlock, wasn't brought down after the session as much as I thought it was. Just letting you know that I've tried a few times, and nothing seems to be working. I'm not saying its a good thing or a bad thing, just updating you on something you might be interested in. Plus, I figure the thought of my frustration might appeal to those sadistic tendencies of yours. Well, that's everything for now (but my brain is always turning, so who knows if I might need to update again), anyway, I'll be eagerly awaiting next time, whenever that may be. I'll e-mail or call about my possible trip. I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED! - Sissy Brittney |
--------------------------------------------
07-14-08: Hello Mistress,
I've been sitting here for about a half hour trying to come up with the
right way to construct this opening sentence, and I'm still trying. It isn't the
kind of confusion that I've been left with the last few weeks, it's not that I'm
unsure or that my head is in a weird place, it's just that I've been trying to
figure out a more eloquent way to express the strongest sentiment that comes to
my mind whenever I think back on our last session, which is just...wow. There's
no wondering what this or that means or worrying about how something we did may
have changed everything; there's just this visceral amazement that leaves me
awestruck, like I can't believe it actually happened. Now that I think about it,
it feels almost like what I felt like after our very first session (as much as I
remember it), like I was just forcefully shown in no uncertain terms exactly
what I am and what feels right. We've spent the last few months experimenting
with different
things, feeling our way around based on what seemed interesting from session to
session, and while I think that was incredible and enlightening in its own
right, it feels really good to go back to basics again and re-explore that part
of me that's just totally raw, that just needs to be violated, completely taken
over and used by my mistress. My spine has been almost constantly shivering ever
since, and everytime I picture your eyes piercing into me, that look of passion
in your face as you fuck me with no concern for me, just your own pleasure, I
lungs just shoot up into by body.
It's obvious now that being able to see what was going on really enhanced
everything, much more that I would have thought it would. I was always under the
impression that it was the other way around, that not being able to see meant
that everything was left up to my imagination, but apparently nothing I can
imagine can live up to witnessing the real thing in action. It is a very strange
experience, being awake and alert while zoning out completely at the same time.
It left me just crazed. After it was over, all I could think about was that I
wanted more, that I wanted it to go on until my body collapsed completely. It
didn't matter what was happening exactly, as long as it was hard and fast and as
long as it was you using me to your liking. It was just a new world I was in,
where finally everything I pictured in my mind was right in front of my face in
vivid color. To be honest, the inclusion of the mirror didn't have as much of an
effect on me as I
think you were going for, but seeing you on top of me certainly did. Being able
to connect the sensation with the image just made it seem so much more real. It
isn't some amorphous thing that's happening far away, disconnected from my body
in subspace; it's right there and in my face. It's actually a little scary now
that I think about it, but completely exhilarating.
I'm sorry, but it's getting a bit crowded in here, so I think I'll end this now.
Again, thank you for another amazing session, and I can't wait for the next one.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney
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| 06-28-08: Hello Mistress You pointed out yesterday that you felt the last humility wall entry seemed incomplete, and I will try to make sure that this one does not fail in that capacity, but I must say, my thoughts are no less disordered this week then they were last week, so I can't promise anything. It seems like I've been saying this a lot recently, but once again, it feels very strange to write this out, and I'm not exactly sure why. On the one hand, my memories of the experience are actually a little more clear than they were last time, probably because I was mostly alert (and frightened) throughout most of the session. But on the other hand, I think a part of me feels that what goes on in my head when I can't sense anything and you're just toying with me, is something so personal that its very difficult to relate in words. When I say personal, I don't mean that its embarrassing or secret, I just mean that everything I go through is so internal, so divorced from anything describable, that once I sit down here to try and describe it, words simply fail. I can say that for once, I do have one note of comparison. Thinking about it now, yesterday's session was for me the mirror image of the session we had some time ago, when we discussed the feeling of being raped. That session left me disturbed in a very bad way, but I feel that this last session sort of brought that feeling full circle. The whole issue was finding myself in that vulnerable state and suddenly feeling lost, like my entire world was torn away right from under me. Whereas that previous session ended with that feeling (or almost did, and would have had we not gone back after to reestablish that safety), this last session began that way, throwing me into a state of peril almost as soon as the session began. As I think I mentioned afterwards, the safety was gone, primarily because in my mind, it felt like you had disappeared. Suddenly, it actually mattered that I couldn't breath, or that I was seconds away from pain, because in my fear addled brain, it was as if someone or something else had taken over, removing the trust that we've developed over these past almost three years. I think that that was the most afraid I've been in the context of a session, even more so than the needles. The thing that changed it though, the thing that brought this feeling of being lost to a point where I am now perfectly comfortable (and not freaking out or calling you in a panic), was that eventually, you came back. For what seemed like a very long time, I was stuck in a position where it seemed like every sensation was the precursor to something unimaginably painful, but then, I heard you whispering something in my ear (which I couldn't clearly make out thanks to the ear plugs). Even though I didn't get the words, the sound of your voice suddenly reminded me that you were there and that I wasn't alone. I think I've officially descended into cheesy territory now, but that's the only way I can describe what happened. I remember the feeling of my breathing being obstructed for the first time after I felt your presence again, and it felt like the most comfortable thing in the world, something that had only just been terrifying. It's something interesting that I haven't considered before, how depending on the state of mind you put me in, depending on what psychological state I'm in at the time, the same actions can illicite completely different effects. Not only that, but I'm amazed at how little it took to get me back, to take me from the negative to the positive extreme, from recoiling at your touch to falling helplessly because of it. I'm afraid I have family crowding at the moment, so I think I'll end this here, but once again, if there is something else you'd like to have me discuss, let me know and I'll update this. Anyway, thank you again for another wonderful, and ultimately illuminating session, and I will see you in two weeks. I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED! - Sissy Brittney. |
|
06-21-08: Hello Mistress |
06-10-08: Hello Mistress
I'm sorry if this is coming in a little later than you might like, but
this one has been harder to write than usual. I have to say right at the outset
that I still feel sort of strange writing this Humility Wall Entry, though not
nearly as strange as I felt Saturday when I couldn't string together a coherent
thought let alone write one down, and not for the same reason. The difference is
that Saturday my mind was a mess; everything was a confused jumble and I
couldn't make any sense of what I was feeling or what any of it meant. Today,
now that we took the time to have another session, and more importantly talk
about everything that happened and the ramifications of it all, I almost feel
like we said everything that needed to be said, like for the first time in a
long time, I came away from a session with more answers about myself than
questions. On that subject, I should also point out that it's a little ironic
that I talked about how alienated I felt after Friday, like I almost couldn't
function in the real world outside of the safe place we created in your room,
because at this point, after yesterday, I feel almost completely the opposite
feeling. What I took away from last Friday's session was that feeling that you
described as essentially being raped, of being torn from my safe place and being
left with a feeling of emptiness because of it. What I took away from
yesterday's session, the thing that stuck with me and still sticks with me even
now as I right this, is that Zen calm that came over me when our session was at
its zenith. That feeling I got when you were completely engulfing me, when I
couldn't breath and the sound of your heart beat provided me something to grasp
onto in the chaos, is still with me, when what we once called the post-session
buzz would have long since worn off.
If there's anything else, I would like to add that I'm glad my suspicions
about the source of my excitement were confirmed. I had always said, since the
first experiment with smothering, that it wasn't what part of you was over me,
but only that it was a part of you over me, that it could have been your inner
elbow and I'd still fall into the same psychological place, but I sensed that
you were maybe a little worried about the sexualized nature of it when our
session began. For the record, and I think I brought this up after the session
as a matter of fact, when your hand grasped over my face, just your fingers
placing pressure over my mouth was enough to send me reeling. That feeling, when
my lungs almost jump out of my body once it realizes my breathing is obstructed,
is when I feel the most subsumed to your will. If the hand had one deficiency
that your full body did not have, it was that my entire face was not covered,
which places me at a point where there is no escape, where there is seemingly no
where else to be but absolutely covered, and absolutely overwhelmed by your
power. As is always a good sign, the thought of it now makes me quiver.
I think I'll end this here, though the experience has left me with a lot
to think about, and I may send you something else on this topic later in the
week as an addendum if I come up with anything of note, as I'm sure my mind will
be racing in anticipation of our next meeting. Please let me know about when you
would like that to be by the way, and the specifics obviously as well. Thank you
again for another amazing session, and I'll see you whenever you decide.
I am a CUNT. I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney.
---------------------------------------------------------
05-16-08: Hello Mistress
I thought I should start this by noting that it is a little funny that I
mentioned the time I crashed for twelve hours after a session, because last
night it happened again (without any intake of chemicals). When I got home I was
exhausted, but not in the way I would have been after work or something
physically taxing, but just in need of something soft and warm to crawl back
into. I went to bed at ten and woke up at ten this morning, and it was probably
the most rested sleep I've had in a long time. There has always been this thing
about contact during our sessions, about how little it takes of you simply
touching me, just grazing against my cheek or lightly tickling me in one of my
many, many ticklish spots, for me to slip almost instantly into that happy place
we've been calling the zone. I still don't know how to explain it, but what
happened last night took that experience farther than its ever been before.
Sometimes I lose track of time during our sessions when I'm really out of it,
and it seems longer than it actually was, but this time, it was like time
stopped, or it ceased to have meaning anymore. It was like when you have a dog,
and you leave for an hour, and when you get back, from his point of view you've
been gone forever, because he has no conception of how time works; that's how it
felt for me. What I found interesting after the fact was that it wasn't at all
like I thought it might be, in that it wasn't like a typical bondage experience.
It wasn't like mummification, where the thrill comes from not being able to move
or escape. It went beyond the idea that you're in control and could do whatever
you wanted to me (though that was still true), it was like you were engulfing me
completely. It was that feeling of you being over me, not just controlling me by
dominating me; that feeling I got just by staring into your eyes in the mirror a
few weeks ago, only increased ten times over.
The thought of it now is starting to make me shake more and more. I'm
actually having trouble getting through this. The more I sort through it all in
my head to write this, the heavier my breathing gets as my body starts to
remember what it was like. I've already started to yawn, and I think I might
actually go back to bed for a little bit after I'm done here. I honestly can't
think of much else to say about the experience, not because it didn't affect me
or was uncomplicated, but because it affected me too much and was too
complicated. I think it will take me at least a week to figure out what it all
means and how it fits with what I thought I was doing before yesterday, and of
course by then, we'll have another session and you'll probably blow my mind in a
different way, leaving me only more confused. Now that I think about it, I
wonder it that's intentional on your part, leaving me befuddled; maybe more of
that trademark sadism cropping up again. Anyway, I think I'll leave this here,
because I think I'm about to start writing in circles (as that's how my brain is
moving around in my head), so I guess I'll just end this and say thank you
again, and I'll see you next week.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!
-Sissy Brittney
----------------------------------------
05-03-08: Hello Mistress
I always talk about how writing certain things sometimes makes me shiver as
I am reminded of them, and I think it's a good sign that I started shaking
uncontrollably just by writing "Hello Mistress" just now. That's never happened
before, but it certainly started this off on an intriguing note for me. Thinking
back on it, it sort of makes sense, since last night's session was all about
what that means, for you to be my mistress and me to be your submissive slut.
The more I go on here, the more I can't help picturing your eyes piercing into
me through the mirror. It was almost frightening how deep they bored into my
brain, and combined with your touch slowly creeping all across my skin, it's no
surprise that I quickly turned into putty in your hands. You wouldn't know it,
but I just had to take a ten minute break to cool down just remembering that
moment. More than anything, I think what effected me most throughout the session
as a whole was something I think I brought up at the time, which was that
overwhelming feeling of, well, you overwhelming me. At all times, if not
physically than always psychologically, you were over me, not just controlling
me, but truly DOMINATING me, like you could crush me at any moment and I would
welcome it, because I was only there to be and do what you wanted. You set the
stage when you compared me to a barbie doll at the beginning of the session. I
felt like your plaything, something you could use and discard at your whim. I
have to laugh again at our discussion about ownership, as though it would be a
new thing we could progress to, because I don't think there's another way to
talk about what I felt then and what I feel right now, which is completely owned
by you. When the slightest touch can take away my will power completely, I don't
know how much farther we can go in the owner/owned relationship.
Had to take another break just then. On that subject of you being over me, I
should point out a rather interesting dream I had last night. The image that is
now burned into my mind is me, on my knees, just looking up at you, towering
over me, not really doing anything in particular, but just reminding me of my
place at your feet, unworthy to meet you at eye level. We've talked about what
humility means, and I think my subconscious was a little pre-occupied with it
last night. The really interesting part though is something that happened later,
something that I don't know if we've ever talked about. I know we've
experimented with mummification, but I'm not sure we've ever gone into what I
guess is called smothering (I looked it up on your site). I don't know if it
technically applies or not, because we've never gone into it, but I only mention
it because in the dream, that's the only thing that comes close to what I was
feeling. It was like I could not only not escape you generally, but I couldn't
escape you physically, like everywhere I turned, you were there with a forceful
hand to push me back down or keep me under your thumb the whole time. Thinking
about it now, it illicits the same reaction as those eyes peering into mine, an
almost chilling reminder of something you articulated last night, that at all
times, you lead, and I follow. I think I'm going off to take another break and
decompress, so I'll end it here. Thank you again for another wonderful session,
and I can't wait to see you next week.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney
------------------------------------
04-23-08: Hello...honestly, I'm not sure whether to go with
Mommy or Mistress this week
Now that I've had a day or so to mull over our last session, I have to say
that I'm still not exactly sure what to make of it. I think part of it was that
the session was at the beginning of the week instead of the end. I guess I've
gotten used to the Friday sessions, where I have the weekend to decompress and
reflect on what everything means, especially after a session like this one that
introduces a new wrinkle and leaves me somewhat confused. This time, I was
thrown right back into school and my weekly routine and I just felt like I
couldn't find my bearings. All day yesterday I was sitting in class with this
antsy feeling, like I'd just been pulled in all of these different directions
and then let go suddenly, and I couldn't concentrate on any one thought. I don't
know what you took from our session, particularly the last part, but it's left
me a little unsure about how everything fit together with the training we've
been doing. Now that I think about it, taking the mindset I'm in with AB and
combining it with the mindset of the typical Sissy/Slut training session was
even more disorienting than even I realized at the time. I think we've talked
about what I'm pretty sure are our mutual feelings about exploring Adult Baby,
and particularly about disassociating it from the more highly sexual and erotic
aspects of our other sessions, and it was like all of that was thrown out the
window, and the final product, while not bad, left me confused as to the meaning
of it all. Maybe because it wasn't bad, maybe because I slipped so far into it
with such little provocation, is why I am feeling troubled. I know why it was
arousing, that it wasn't the clothing or the parental relationship, but rather
the control aspect (and of course the milk thing, which I'll get to later), but
it wasn't like I changed who I was. I still felt child-like; I was still in the
infantile mindset, and yet I was getting the same sort of erotic feelings as I
would have had I been in lingerie in a more adult setting. It's not as if the
feelings were bad, but quite the contrary; still, I wonder if maybe it crossed a
line that is somewhat dangerous. I wonder if I will be able to differentiate
anymore, or if the two types of sessions are now bridged in my mind, linked in a
way that I thought I would find uncomfortable (but apparently didn't) and that I
would think you would find uncomfortable (I'm actually curious to hear your
thoughts on this).
As for the milk. I think we both know why it caused the kind of reaction
that it did, given my recent fantasies of late. Obviously, the context within
which we would first explore this was very different than what I had imagined it
would be, and I understand that it was probably somewhat spur of the moment on
your part. Just to start, it still amazes me that, considering how long we've
been seeing each other, there are still so many new little things to discover
and play with every time. Who would have thought that milk would have had that
kind of effect? In what is always a good sign, just writing that sentence down
forced me to stop typing for a minute or so and get the shakes out of my hands.
There are certain things that we find out in sessions, like the spanking or the
foot worship and now the milk, which make me pause every time I think about
them. I just can't help but stop and try to recapture some of how that made me
feel, to try to put myself back in that place and get my body's sense memory
working. The power that that had over, and that you had over me during the whole
experience, was exhilarating and just reminded me yet again of why I come to you
(not that I needed reminding). The fact that all I have to do is hear your
voice, or feel the slightest graze of your touch, and I'm just drawn completely
back down into your clutches, is scary and exciting and ultimately satisfying in
that I know how easy my submission comes to me, and how ingrained within me it
is. We had the discussion about ownership, and that feeling of total control, of
your mere presence making me putty in your hands, is why the prospect seems like
second nature to me. Since we talked, and after our session, in a very
meaningful way, I already feel owned by you. Honestly, if you called me on the
phone right now and said one commanding syllable to me, I would melt down to the
floor in an instant. Sometimes I wonder just how much you realize how far you've
crept into my head. As confusing as it was at times, Monday's session was an
excellent example of that.
I guess that's it for now. I think I'll take this week to try to re-order
everything in my brain. Thank you again for another amazing session, and I'll
see you next time.
I...am again, not sure how to take this one.
- Sissy Brittney
--------------------------------
04-03-08: Hello Mistress
Well, I've finally gotten a chance to watch the videos (it took a while to
get an opportunity to view them in private, I had to wait until they left), and
I have to say I am pleasantly surprised. I think more so than the previous video
we took, watching these two allowed me to slip back into the mindset I was in
while we were filming, certainly much more easily and fully than simple memory
or fantasy. When I watched the prostate milking video for example, my whole
body, but particularly my legs, started shaking and quivering, almost as much as
they were at the time. It was like sense memory, like my body started to think I
was back in that bed with my legs strung up in the air. It is a little odd (not
in a bad way) to see myself, and to see you, from this perspective, if only
because as it is happening, I'm so in the moment that seeing it from a
perspective detached from myself is a bit jarring. For instance, I found it
interesting how subdued I looked in both videos. Obviously I was moving around
and moaning, but at the time, when everything in my head is explosions and
intense shocks through my system, I always imagined my movements would reflect
that more to the outside observer. Still, I enjoyed the whole experience
immensely, both in what we did and being able to view it later for posterity
(and trust me, I will be viewing these repeatedly).
One thing about the session and the introduction of the camera element has
got me thinking. If you remember back a few weeks ago when I was hesitant about
going outside, I was worried because I thought sharing what is a very personal
experience between the two of us with the rest of the world might ruin what we
have. While my feelings haven't changed on that, it is interesting that when it
comes to these videos, posted on-line for all to see, I feel none of that
apprehension, and in fact a part of me is somewhat titillated by the prospect. I
think the difference is that going outside would be bringing our world out into
the outside world, whereas doing what we did last night brings the outside world
into ours. Whereas the former has the capacity to change what we have for the
worse, the latter is different: people can watch, they can be excited or
disgusted or think whatever they'd like, but they can't change anything about
it. Doing what we did is something that I not only enjoy, but something I am
proud of. Being able to submit to you, to have you control me and yes, use me
like the slut I am, is a very profound experience for me, as I hope it is for
you. Being able to display that, while at the same time remaining inside the
safety of your room and your control (something that would be partially lost out
in the world) only adds to that experience.
I look forward to other videos in the future, documenting the gamut of what
we do in the typical session. Seeing me fucked and milked only makes me want to
see everything else, mummification, AB, tease and denial, stress positions...the
prospect of seeing these from an external perspective is beginning to fascinate
me. Oh, and speaking of fascination, you we're right, my obsession with the
ejaculating dildo has only grown since you showed it to me. Among my many, many
interesting dreams last night, the image of you standing above me, humbling me
with it was certainly a memorable one.
Anyway, I'll send you an email when they call me to tell me when they'll be
back, when I'll know if I can come next week. Thank you again for another great
session, and thank you for the video evidence of it, which I'll be replaying
right after I send this out, and probably a few more times after that.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney
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03-30-08: Hello Mistress
Given those sadistic tendencies you talked about last Friday, I thought I
should share this: it's nothing big, but when I was driving home from our
session, still sore, I stated feeling a little better, thanks to the smooth
ride. Well anyway, this was all perfectly fine until I turned the corner,
forgetting that the street I normally drive on is a rather poorly maintained
brick road! Needless to say, it wasn't pleasant. Anyway, as the session goes, my
first thought was, I'm glad my reaction to the new toy wasn't a fluke, and that
it could actually be recreated (which certainly bodes well for the future from
my point of view). I did find it interesting how much the change in position
changed the feeling it elicited, it was definitely much stronger and seemed to
be dispersed throughout my body more so than when I was in the restraints, but
of course I was worn out much quicker. I can't decide which way I prefer, though
I'm strongly leaning towards the first one we tried, if only because it is
probably ultimately better to be in the position of begging you to stop because
I'm exhausted, rather than because I'm in pain. Plus, anytime restraints are
involved, it adds something psychologically for me. As it happens that fantasy I
told you about a few weeks ago involving one of your other new toys,
coincidentally also involved a similar stress position.
It did concern me that being so stimulated all but took away my ability to
control myself, and given the new punishment you've devised, it's only left me
even more worried. I don't know if I described it accurately enough at the time,
but the glass dildo completely eliminates any mechanism I otherwise had to
mentally stop my body from "having an accident" as we say. It's like my brain
becomes disconnected from my body, the same force that drains my arms and legs
of energy after it's done. And yet, I seemed to get my energy back much more
quickly this last time than I normally do. I don't know if it shows how bad I
feel whenever I do have an accident, but it's like I'm breaking the biggest
cardinal rule you have, not just disobeying something you may say specifically
in one session, but disobeying something you laid down as a rule for all of our
sessions, and that fact that I do so because I've lost control scares me a
little. Coupling that with the new form of punishment you've instituted,
basically turning how good it feels physically into a torture all its own, and
the whole situation seems a bit dire. On a happy note, there is no indication
that the new punishment has ruined masturbation for me yet, but it still remains
to be seen if and when it ever has to happen again.
Anyway, all pleasures and pains aside, the session left me with a lot to
think about, least of all my need to devise a way to suck cock with my head
falling off the bed! Maybe we'll figure that one out some other time. If this
session was any indication of the future, I can't wait for the next one. Thank
you again, and I'll see you next week.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
- Sissy Brittney
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03-15-08: Hello Mistress
Again, sorry this is a bit late in the day, but you know the situation.
Anyway, I've said this before, but I don't think I've ever meant it as much as I
do now: yesterday's session was beyond my ability to describe it. I always say
that every session, with a few exceptions, is the best one yet, only to be
topped by the next one, but just in terms of the sheer physical and
psychological shock of it, this one will be hard to top next time. What struck
me the most (aside from the obvious) was the psychological roller coaster you
sent me on. It wasn't just that you took me to the very edge of fear with my
limits, or that you then took me to the opposite edge, destroying my body with
pleasure, but it's the fact that you managed to do both in such a short span of
time, completely sweeping me off my feet (though I suppose literally speaking
you had already done that with the restraints). I was lost in the best possible
way, unable to find my bearings, and totally at your mercy, needing you to guide
me into what ever direction you wanted me to go, because I couldn't recognize
anything anymore in the din of fear and intense excitement.
I sort of got the impression at first that you were a bit offended that I
would even think you would cross a hard limit, though eventually I realized that
I was just very emotional at the time and was taking everything a little too
hard. For the record, as I said, the trust is always there, at least
subconsciously, but when the fear enters in, my logical understanding that you
would never touch my hard limits goes out the window. Just a demonstration of
what you could do, just a nail pinching ever so slightly on the right (or maybe
wrong) spot, and it is enough to send me screeching and crying (literally on
both counts). I understand why you did it, and I did to a certain extent even at
the time, but in a way, I'm surprised that it got to me so easily. I should have
known, I shouldn't have let the fear take away my logic. It's a little
unsettling.
As for the rest of the session, I really don't know how to do it justice by
talking about it here. I had never imagined that my body was capable of going
over the edge that many times in a single session. Up to that point, I had
always had no more than two, maybe three orgasms in a single session, but I
could have sworn it was at least twenty by the end, and probably more. I think
this was helped a little by the lesson in fear, pulling me from one extreme to
the other, but mostly it was the shape of the new dildo, which I have to thank
you buying by the way. What I still find strange is how I reacted to the
onslaught against my pleasure centers, after it got to the point where it was
almost unbearable. My body was giving out, and it seemed like the only thing
that was still responding was the intense shock coursing through me. I never
imagined we would ever get to a point where I was in too much pleasure, that I
would beg you to stop because it was just so exhaustingly good. And yet, I could
have used my safe word, but something inside me prevented it. I know of course
that saying "no" and "please stop" don't do anything, but for some reason, no
matter how good/bad it got, it was like I had a mental block against saying the
word "purple", like I wanted it to stop and keep going at the same time.
I'm sorry, but I've got family crowding me in a very annoying way, so I will
have to leave this here. I will let you know about next week. Also, I need to
know the size of shoe to buy, as I have forgotten. Anyway, see you soon.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
Sissy Brittney
--------------------------------------------------------------
02-15-08: Hello Mistress
I don't know it this is a sign that our session went well or not, but my
right nipple is still sore from last night, and it's even a little scabbed up. I
didn't notice how raw it was getting, but when I woke up this morning, it stung.
It's kind of funny to think that this is the first thing to report, given the
kinds of sessions we've been having prior to yesterday, but like I said after we
were done, despite any soreness, it's good to be back to basics, and it was
certainly a happy valentine's day. I was surprised at how easily I fell back
into that sort of hyper sensual state of mind, especially so soon after the
adult baby sessions, but as soon as I was sitting on the bench, my eyes closed,
moving my hands up and down my body with your direction, it felt like I grew up
in a matter of seconds. It never ceases to amaze me how little it takes to put
me back there, but just letting your voice sort of creep into my head for a few
minutes sends my brain somewhere else and puts the rest of my body into
overdrive.
I'm not sure whether it was just because we had been away from it for such a
long time, or if something was actually different, but I definitely noticed that
the effect seemed stronger this time then it ever had before. Especially when it
came to the tease part of the tease and denial portion of the session. As I
mentioned at the time, I came very close to losing control, and would have if
you would have continued any longer. I might have been able to last a little
bit, but not after you combined it with the spanking. I still don't know what it
is, but something about the slight shock of it combined with the more softer
touch just drives me insane. When it gets to the point where I'm actually
begging to cum, when I've given up denying myself even the desire to let go
because I'm not allowed to, that's when you know that it's really starting to
get to me. Normally I don't want to, because that's the rule, but as I've said
many times, after a while, the punishment that's sure to come almost seems worth
it (though disappointing you isn't, and that's what ultimately holds me back, or
makes me so ashamed if I do screw up).
I'm curious to see if it will be this easy to go back to the adult baby
sessions (whenever or if ever we do, I don't know what your plan is and I enjoy
them both equally, so I don't have a preference). It's the difference between
extreme excitation and profound calm, and both of them are badly needed in my
life, so I'm hoping the two kinds of session with mix well (I don't know if
actually merging them would be the right thing, but I just mean alternating
between them without things getting weird). Anyway, thank you again for another
great session and for reminding me how it feels to let loose like that.
See you soon.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED (and it feels good to say that again
and mean it!)
-Sissy Brittney
--------------------------------------------------------
02-01-08: Hello Mommy
Again, sorry for the lateness of this, but family issues kind of sprang up
on me (luckily, that is all over with). Anyway, this week's session is a little
hard to pin down in my head, mostly because it was sort of all over the place.
There were so many different things happening that I'm finding it difficult to
focus. For starters, the introduction of the enema was completely unexpected,
which is a little strange in itself because you'd think we would have
experimented with it before with all of the anal we have done. At first it felt
a little out of place, because all this time I have associated the idea of that
as preparation for anal, which is completely disassociated in my mind with the
adult baby session, but once I realized the larger point of it, it felt right. I
was surprised by how not-uncomfortable it ultimately was. When I imagined it, I
thought I would feel bloated and cramped throughout the whole process, but once
it was done, with the exception of one little cramp, it was as if there wasn't
anything there at all. I think I mentioned at the time that it was hard for me
to hold it in, not because there was so much, but because it felt like there was
so little. Also surprising was how easy it was to finally get past that mental
block and let it go. I felt the same way about wetting the diaper, but I have to
admit that I was a little more wary of this situation than that one. What's
more, that feeling of helplessness that we always talk about was much more
present this time, because I was in the diaper for so long, and I couldn't do
anything about it; I'm amazed I was able to stay so calm for that long.
Like I said at the time, it was a little strange and disconcerting to have
the other people coming in and out (at least to the extent that it woke me up
once), but it was an interesting experience nonetheless. When we first started
this, given how intimate it is, a part of me was curious to see how I would
react to other people coming in and seeing me in that situation, if I would be
embarrassed or anything like that. I wasn't, obviously, but it was still a bit
weird having someone else enter that world, where at first it was just you and
me in the dark. It was scary in some places, specifically during the spanking
session, but no more scary than that experience would have been for any other
baby that would have been in the room. Of course, it did wake me up the one
time, but I was easily able to slip back into the mindset again once I realized
what had happened and could breathe again. The bottle helped a lot with that;
like the pacifier, it was sort of a safety blanket, calming me down and
centering me if I got confused or scared.
I've got people coming in and out now, so I'll have to leave this here.
Thanks again for another great session, and I will see you next week.
- Baby Girl Brittney
------------------------------------------------
01-19-08: Hello Mommy
First off, I hope you're feeling alright. I took some medicine last night
just in case and I feel fine this morning; I'd hate to think you were sick in
bed because of me. Also, I did end up using the diaper you sent me home with,
but I have to say, it felt a little strange using it by myself (or more
specifically, without you there). Changing it on my own (or rather discarding
it, because I didn't have a replacement), felt a little hollow, because I wasn't
in that state of mind anymore and it just felt out of place. Anyway, yesterday's
session was another great positive example of our experimentation with this new
type of session, and the introduction of the pacifier added alot to the
experience. I've noticed that the more we get into these adult baby sessions,
that once they're over, I'm remembering less and less about the specifics of
what happened, so it's hard for me to recreate it in my head, but I still
remember the feelings and the emotional trip I went through vividly, perhaps
more so than I used to in our other sessions. I remember how much it affected me
when you took the paci out and kept it from me, like you just took away my
safety net for a brief second and I desperately needed it back. I don't know
what it is about sucking on the pacifier, but there's something about the
repetitive motion of it that calms me down when I get into that regressed state;
I get the same feeling when I'm napping, just before I fall asleep, when your
rocking me back and forth slowly, just a feeling of being completely at peace.
Even if it weren't attached to the other elements of an AB session, just being
able to feel like that, completely protected and secure and nurtured, even if it
is only once a week, is something that I really can't thank you enough for.
I did notice that in the beginning, it took me a little bit longer to fully
let go and push that adult, thinking part out of my head. I remember that in
last week's session, it only took a few minutes of crawling on the floor for me
to forget who I was moments before and completely accept myself as a baby, but
this time, it was a little harder for me. I think it was probably the time we
spent before the session when I was cleaning, and I'd be interested to see how
it works for our next non-cleaning session to see if I'm right. I'm not
complaining, and I actually think the cleaning went well (though I've become
somewhat obsessed with your ceiling fan), I just think that because we spent so
much time talking and relating to each other that way, it took a little longer
for me to be able to relate to you as mommy and to fit into my position. Once I
did however, I have absolutely no complaints. Like I said, I can't remember much
about the specifics, but I still get that warm shivery feeling when I think back
on it. Before I go, I should also mention that the introduction of the stern
"no" affected me alot more than I thought it would. I hadn't really thought
about it much until it happened, but once I'm in that place where I see you as a
parent, taking direction takes on a whole new meaning, and elicits a completely
different set of reactions. When you said it, it was like my whole body stopped
against my will, like I hit a wall in my head. Needless to say, the whole
experience yesterday left me with a lot to think about.
I talked to my step-dad last night and it is sounding more and more likely
that I will have to miss next week, but I will let you know definitely on Monday
through e-mail. Anyway, thanks for another great session, and I'll see you soon.
- Baby Girl Brittney
-------------------------------------
01-12-08: Hello Mommy
I've been trying to get on all day to write this, but as I expected, the
computer here has been occupied. I have people around, so I may have to keep
this short. Anyway, when I think about last night's session, the thing that
sticks out most prominently in my mind is the loss of control I felt with being
unable to verbalize. I have to say, I think that as far as feeling like a baby
and convincing myself that I've regressed, not being able to talk, and more
importantly, only being able to express myself via crying and nonverbal
communication, really helps put me in that state of mind. Like I said after the
session, once I've been low to the ground long enough, crawling around with the
periscope perspective of a small child, eventually I forget how to do things I
was able to do just moments ago. I don't know if you know what that's like, to
suddenly not be able to walk or talk, and not to want to, but every time we have
done this, it has left me with a mixed reaction of fear and excitement. It's
scary, but its also freeing at the same time. The more I remember about the
specifics of the session, the more I have to marvel at just how deep I went, and
how little it took to send me there. For instance, I remember the first time I
was on the ground in my play area, and I knew that I could physically go farther
than I was aloud to go, but by the second time I was there, I could actually see
walls closing off a play pen. You mentioned that you were considering video
taping the next session, and I think that will really be helpful, if only so
that I can see it from your vantage point and see how I act when I'm too blissed
out to notice myself.
I'm sorry, but it's getting kind of crowded in here, so I'll have to end
this now (maybe I'll send something later in the week as an addendum if I am
near a computer long enough). Anyway, thank you for another amazing, mind
blowing session, and I can't wait for the next one (which should be sooner than
normal, thankfully).
Mantra: *Incomprehensible cooing and baby gibberish*
- Baby Girl Brittney
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