Columbus, Ohio Mistress Patty's LeatherRealm: Sissy Brittney 2007

12-29-07: Hello Mommy
   Computer problems abound this morning, so we'll see how this goes. First off, I hope you had a relaxing and stress-free night last night after I left, because I know I did. Again, I noticed that after our session, I was much more calm and at peace than I usual am. Before, after a typical session, I'd be relaxed, but I'd also be jumpy and charged up, like I was over stimulated. With the last two sessions, that feeling has been completely reversed; I'm still relaxed, but its a different kind of relaxed, like I just want to curl up and go to bed the instant I get home (rather than dropping into bed unconscious from exhaustion, as per usual). The double edged sword is that I've found it's a lot harder to be separate from the experience. I'm not sure if I've ever talked about this, just because I don't think it's ever come up in conversation, but ever since we've started seeing each other (or at least for as long as I can remember), I've always gone through this period right after a session, right after the residual happiness wears off, when my body realizes that I'm not in that place anymore, and I sort of deflate. It isn't depression, or at least not conscious depression, but its like I've been taken away from somewhere that's so comfortable and powerful and there's a hole that isn't filled until the next time. Usually, this fades after a few hours or so, because I know its just by body reacting to changing sensations, but with the last few sessions, this feeling has lasted alot longer. Last week it lasted almost a few days, and right now I can still feel it a little bit (though for some reason, writing this down right now helps it). I think the added intimacy of this experience, the emphasis on safety and protection, makes that place that much harder to tear myself away from. I think this is coming off as a little too intense than it really is, and I don't want you to worry about it, but this is the only way I can think to describe it.
   As for last night's session, I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised at how well everything went, especially given how concerned I was before about the concept of wetting the diaper. We talked about the issue of arousal and my physical reaction to being controlled (or more specifically, to you controlling me), and I really think the diaper experience is one of the best examples of that. It may not seem like much to you since you've seen a lot more than I have and you've been through this with other submissives, but for me going through this for the first time, it was really an initially strange, but ultimately rewarding experience. It's just that I've been trained my whole life to control that, and obviously that's a function of growing up, so to lose that control, to have that psychological block broken down, and broken down so easily and so quickly, was a little scary at first, but so freeing after it was gone. Though I could not really articulate it that well at the time (being mentally childish at the time), the feeling of the wet diaper, and more importantly, the feeling of not being able to do anything about it, was an extension of what made the Adult Baby scenario appealing to me in the first place: that you have total power over my entire well being. Having no control because I'm in bondage, or because you are dominating me and instructing me is one thing, but to have no control because of what I am, because I'm a baby and have no ability (and no possibility) to exert control is quite another. My submission becomes a fact of life, an aspect of my state of being (which it is anyway, but in this case it's much more obvious). And your role becomes even more crucial, because you are not just the person who has control over me, but the person who I need to control me, because I can't do anything for myself.
   I have people starting to crowd me and ask to get on the computer, so I'll be off now. Anyway, thank you again for another amazing session, and I can't wait for the next one.

- Baby Girl Brittney

12-14-07: Hello Mommy (that's a little strange already)
   I have to warn you, I still haven't been able to sort through everything that is going on inside my head right now (maybe it is better to do these things the next day after all). This might turn out a bit confused (it might even sound like gibberish, or dare I say it, baby talk). The first thing I noticed about coming away from our session was how different the sensations were when remembering it. Normally, when I think back on a typical session, because of the sexual undertones (sometimes overtones), I have a physical, aroused response; this time when I think back on tonight's session, the feeling is completely different. Its like the warmth and the softness I felt just sort of washes over me again; I'm not so much shivering now as melting. Also, its much easier to fall back into that feeling; normally, it takes some effort to remember it well enough to get back into the right mindset (and most of the time I can't do it at all), but this time, all I have to do is close my eyes and think about curling up into your arms, and I'm there. I'm curious to see how long this will last.
   I was a little unsure when we started how things would play out, but now that we've taken our first steps (no pun intended), I'm just giddy anticipating where we can go from here. To be honest, I was a little worried at first that it wouldn't feel real; I've been a sissy so long and I genuinely feel that it is inside of me, but because this was so new, I was concerned that I would be affecting a character and it would be something that wasn't for me after all. Well, once we got into it, once I was clutching my dog and nuzzling up to my Mommy, I was three year old Baby Girl Brittney all the way through. Of course, after that, it felt like I was getting younger and younger by the second, but by then it didn't matter; all that mattered was that I was safe and warm and had you there to protect me.
   What still surprises me is how much more intimate the experience was then a normal session. Things that would have been uncomfortably sexual in another context just weren't, and because of this, I felt closer to you both physically and psychologically than I ever have before. The breastfeeding is a good example of this: I remember the last time we tried to incorporate this into a session, and it was coupled with tease and denial and resulted in an accident. This time, because the mood and the context were so different, it didn't even occur to me that this could be something sexual, it was just my natural instinct to suckle. I still don't understand how one could apply sexuality to this, and thinking about it that way makes me feel a little creeped out. Still, given how well this went, I can't wait to explore this more and find out all there is to the full experience. I feel like I'm living in a completely different dimension than the one I was living in this morning, and I'm just starting to figure out what everything means. Now that I think about it, that sounds a lot like being a baby.

To be honest, I'm not sure how to sign off on this one. For the first time in a long time, I have not felt like my mantra (and in this case, surprisingly, that isn't a bad thing at all).

- Baby Girl Brittney

12-03-07: Hello Mistress

This entry might be a little short, because I’ve been so far away from our session at this point that much of it has faded from my memory. Plus, I’m at a school computer, which is more public than I’d like for this kind of thing. Anyway, I found this week’s session to be both enjoyable and surprising. Obviously, you saw how much it affected me after the fact, but I was pleasantly surprised by how little actual physical contact it actually took to elicit that reaction. I remember that we talked before hand about people who go to Pro Dommes and complain when their fantasy isn’t fulfilled, or that they aren’t touched enough or able to touch the Domme enough, and it makes me laugh now to think that apparently we’ve formed such a connection (that they will never form) that you can turn my mind and my body into mush just with the sound of your voice. If you touched me at all, I was too blissed out to notice. A minute or so in after my eyes were closed and you were whispering into my ear, I was gone. Like I said, a lot of it has faded now, but I still remember that sense of almost fear when I found myself in total darkness in my head, like I was about to jump off a cliff. Then you just appeared, and suddenly you were there to control me and keep me from falling. The best part was the fact that you were the only other thing that I could recognize and experience. You were like an anchor, and that made the whole sensation that much more exhilarating.

Actually, our talk before about fantasies has got me thinking. Obviously, I’ve never wanted the experience of anything like the Pro Domme people, as I find it to be kind of immature and tacky (not to mention insulting to the lifestyle and to everyone involved), and I know that you’ve never wanted submissives with that mindset, but still, in part because of this, I think I’ve been a bit hesitant to be more vocal about my fantasies, which certainly aren’t central to my being a submissive, but are still a significant part of my thought process when it comes to dominance and submission. I don’t talk about them, because I have too much respect for you to treat you like a Pro Domme in a dungeon, or even have the appearance of treating you that way, but at the same time, our relationship is such that I think I should be honest and open about these sorts of things. The adult baby thing is one that comes to mind, because its something that we talked about extensively but never really explored, so the idea has sort of been in the back of my mind ever since. That’s just one example, and most aren’t really as specific, and while I am certainly not presenting this as any kind of request or suggestion, I just wanted to note that I think I’ve been holding back out of respect or deference when I should be more open generally. When I see you next time, or when you reply to this, I’d be interested in hearing your input on it, specifically on where you think the line is with expressing these kinds of things; what you think is appropriate, how and when, etc…

Wow, that turned out to be pretty long after all. Well, I guess I’ll see you soon. Thanks again for another great session.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

11-10-07: Hello Mistress
   I think the best example of how well our session went last night is that almost every part of my body is still sore this morning as I write this (and it's that good kind of sore that reminds me how I got that way). Thinking back on it now, yesterday's session was very reminiscent of some of our earlier sessions, where the physical aspect sort of took over. That's not to say that there wasn't a psychological component as well, but I can't remember the last time that my body was so wrecked and drained by the experience (again, in a good way), and I don't remember there ever being a time when I actually passed out, let alone multiple times. I think the introduction of the stress position helped a lot with this, because it made it that much harder for me to brace myself for whatever was coming. Normally, when I'm able to move even a little bit, I can instinctual find a position where I'm not so assaulted by all the different sensations, but when I'm stuck like I was yesterday, all I can do is stay there and take all of it with full force. This isn't a bad thing at all, in fact it's the main reason why I enjoy mummification so much, but like mummification, it leaves me exhausted, wobbly, and sore in the morning.
   It's strange, but I hadn't realized until yesterday how long it had been since I had sucked your cock. It seems like a long time, so the extent of yesterday's refresher was particularly exciting. Especially now that we've discovered how much the erotic spanking effects me, feeling you push your cock into me from one end, then feeling the smacks get increasingly harder at the same time; it's hard to explain the sensation except to say that I felt like I was going to melt and explode at the same time, but I couldn't because you wouldn't stop to let my body completely give up (not that I wanted you to). I mentioned this at the time, but what hit me most was the conflict, that all I wanted to do was suck your cock, or to hold myself up so I could continue to feel your hands on my skin, but after a while, my body wouldn't let me and I'd just collapse, falling down as much as I could with my wrists suspended. It was almost chaotic, with twenty different things flying at me at once from all different directions, and I couldn't keep up. I tried to stay alert enough to keep my bearings, but by the end, I was surprised I could stand up at all. The one thing that saved me was being able to look at myself in the mirror, which, apart from showing me how wrecked I looked, also reminded me where I was and helped me get back in my right mind for a few seconds. Also on that note, that was an interesting little experience, actually being able to see you in action. Normally I can feel you and sense you, but my eyes are closed except for the few times you allow me to look up at you (usually while you're fucking me), but to be able to watch you work for a relatively extended period of time really effected me, to see the look on your face as you pushed the cock into my mouth or smacked my ass. That's the image that I remember most from the session, not how I looked in the mirror sucking or even deep-throating your cock, but the devilish smile on your face as you watched me take it as far as it would go.
   I'm already starting to shiver again at the thought of it all, which is making the sore-ness that much more unbearable, so I think I'll leave this here. If anything, it was the perfect session to have before a two week lull, because it leaves me practically salivating at the thought of what our next session will be like.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

10-28-07: Hello Mistress
   With everything that happened yesterday that had nothing to do with our session, it was a wonder that we were even able to concentrate at all, but despite horrible car accidents (which I still hope didn't harm anyone), I still think last night was one of the better sessions we've had in a while. As I write this, I'm wondering why I always naturally try to rank each session compared to the ones before it, especially since we really haven't had any bad ones, but it just seems like every time I think about the last session, it's always the best one yet. I don't know if they really are getting better each time or if that is just a function of my remembering them so soon after, but it is an interesting question. Anyway, as I mentioned, yesterday's session was great, and I think the thing that left an impression on me after it was all over was how complete the session was. It had everything in some way, a trip outside, anal and oral (only the egg and your finger, but when I'm zoned out, they may as well be your cock), tease and denial, the slow, sensual direction (with me on the chair), and even something new thrown in, which is always a nice surprise (I'll get to that later). What made it even more disorienting (in a good way) was how everything seemed to go by so fast. I noticed that we spent a lot of time just talking before the session started, then once it did, everything just hit me like rapidfire and it was hard sometimes to get my bearings again.
   I think we both realized right away the kind of impact the new addition had on me, and I'm really looking forward to experimenting further with it in the next few weeks. I think I mentioned something about it in the last entry, when you had only played with erotic spanking a few times during that session, but I had no idea how much it would affect me. Obviously, the simple physical reaction was clear enough, but beyond that, it was sort of shocking to me how much it shocked my system. It was a familiar feeling in a sense, that force that shoots through me and makes my whole body shake, but I never thought that I would be able to take away that feeling from a spanking. It wasn't painful and I knew it wasn't a punishment spanking (and I'm sure that if it were, the sensations would have been totally different), but there's just something about being over your knee, being broken down into a whimpering little girl, that just drives me wild apparently. I'm sure the school girl outfit helped with this as well. As much as the actual spanking sent me over the edge (psychologically), that feeling was only enhanced by the skirt being roughly hiked up, leaving me revealed and exposed.
   Sorry, I've got people coming in clamoring to get on the computer, so I'll have to leave this here. Thank you again for another session, and I can't wait for the next one.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED

- Sissy Brittney

10-16-07: Hello Mistress
   I was going to wait a little bit before sending this, just so I could see how the pictures came out first, but oh well, I might as well do this early. I hope they came out well, especially the one where I was at your feet, sucking your toes (I don't think I've ever seen that from your point of view before, and it is one of my favorite activities). Yesterday's session was an interesting one, though a little disappointing from my end in that my medical problems threw off what you had originally planned. Still, it was a great session even without that, and it only leaves me more excited for next time, when I won't have any trouble. Because of that issue, yesterday's session felt almost like the first part of a two-part session, introducing (and re-introducing) me to some new things, letting me get comfortable in the new outfit, and easing me into that mold of the slutty school girl, which wasn't entirely comfortable for me at first. As I think I said at the time, the way the outfit ultimately turned out was not exactly how I had imagined it when you had brought it up, particularly in that the skirt was much shorter than I thought it would be. I'm not complaining at all, but it was a bit of a shock to put that on and find out how high up it went. It took me a little while to get used to, but once I did, the entire ensemble quickly became my favorite of the few outfits we've tried on so far.
   On that subject, the reason it happens to be my new favorite was probably most evident towards the end of the session, when you had me strapped to the bench, fully exposed and immobile. You call it easy access, but for me there are so many other dimensions to it. I can't really explain what it is exactly, but to be in that position, with practically nothing between you and a few of my most sensitive spots, to feel the weight of the straps keeping me down so I can't get away or even move anywhere to avoid your touch, is just exhilarating. At the same time, I didn't zone nearly as much, mostly because I was able to distract myself with the pain from the vibrator (which wasn't too intense, but just painful enough to keep me focused). To be honest, as much as I did enjoy the softer side of the whole experience, the slight tickling and caressing as well as the more intense tickle torture near the end, what really left an impression on me more than anything else was the spanking. When we were talking afterwards, you pointed out the difference between the kind of spanking you were doing, which is more sensual, and punishment spanking, and I have to say, the former left me shaking. Throughout that part of the session, you only did it a few times, almost as a jolting reminder to stay awake or say my mantra louder and clearer, but in my head, I was ready to cry out and beg for more. Something about it just sent me reeling every time I felt the smack across my skin. Even now I'm shivering a bit at the thought of it. I'm a little surprised at how much I enjoyed it, as I am typically skittish when it comes to the more painful aspects of our sessions, but when I think back on the session as a whole, that is the thing that sticks out in my mind the most a day later.
   Well, I guess I will see you in two weeks; I'm sure my condition will be better, and I hope we'll be able to do some of the things we weren't able to do this week. Now that I'm used to stepping into that role of the slutty school girl, the next logical step is to be fucked like one, and I can't wait. Thank you again for another wonderful session, and I will see you soon.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

09-29-07: Hello Mistress
   I have to say, if I can sum up yesterday's session in one word, it would have to be "unexpected" (though "intense" would probably be a close second). Whenever we have a session after an extended break like this one, I always assume that it's going to be particularly interesting, because I never know how I'm going to react to what happens (having to get back in the swing of things), and it seems like more often than not you use these opportunities to try things that we've either never done, or haven't done in a long time, leading to a situation that I can't anticipate. Yesterday was no different. I know you've been a bit cautious lately when it comes to using anal on account of my medical condition, and I think if every session was like this one, it might be more of a problem, but every once in a while, to just throw caution to the wind and go all out is really refreshing, and in the case of last night, made for one of the most exciting sessions I've been through in a while. Given the problems I've had, it's good to know that I can still handle a good old fashioned fucking every now and again, and even though I may not be able to go as long as you or I might like or as much as you or I might like, being able to feel like that at all is just great, even if it is a rare occurrence. I thought, or at least I got the impression that you were also trying to milk me, and once again, I'm sad and a little confused as to it being so difficult. I'm not going to slip into hypochondriac mode, as I don't think there's anything wrong with me medically on this issue, but still, there seems to be something blocking me and stopping it from happening. Either way, just being there, helpless as you pounded into me, hearing me scream and not caring one bit about it, is enough to make me shiver now just remembering what it felt like.
   It's a strange kind of helplessness actually, because it isn't there just because you have direct control of me, just because I couldn't escape if I wanted to, but also because I get to the point where I want it to continue, or rather need it to continue, regardless of whether it hurts or I may be uncomfortable. Even before it actually started to burn, it hurt just by virtue of the fact that you were fucking me raw, and yet I didn't want it to stop and I begged for more as loudly as I could (when I wasn't moaning incoherently or biting into the bed). I get to this stage where I just crave it, and not just the physical sensation of it, but the fact that its your power behind it. I don't just want to be taken, I need you to take me, to bend me and break me and throw me around the room (and that is what it feels like in my head), to send me wherever you want me to go. That control is sort of like an anchor; whenever I slip into that place where I can't think straight and I can barely see in front of me, the only thing I can focus on is the fact that you're there, you're taking me through this place, and where I go from here is entirely up to you. This time it was rough and more physically intense than usual, it left me sore and disoriented with my body giving out, but ultimately what's satisfying is that you brought me there, where there happens to be by the end.
   This one was a little more reflective and philosophical than I intended it to be, but I guess that's what you do to me sometimes. Anyway, thank you again for another fantastic session. You've left me with a lot to think about, and I hope to have another great experience next time.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

09-08-07: Hello Mistress
   Again, sorry this was a little late; as I expected, my day's been pretty full, and this is the first moment I've had free to write this. Thinking about yesterday's session, especially within the context of it possibly being our last session for two weeks, I have to say that the first thing that strikes me is how different it was than what I am normally used to. This wasn't a bad thing by any means, just surprising. It was sort of low key and subtle for the most part, and then you just decided to hit me with everything full force all at once towards the end, and the whole experience left me a little disoriented. Even though we haven't really experimented a lot with it, I have enjoyed the few examples of domestic training we have tried. While I'm not at all complaining about the normal intensity of our sessions, it was definitely nice to take a break from that and do something more subdued. It was good to just be able to have a nice conversation and provide a service at the same time, on my knees, cleaning your bench; it was fulfilling in a way that I'm not usually fulfilled during a session. I do agree though, that it would have been much more fun in a real, honest to goodness maids uniform. The dress was great, and I really liked the sleekness and how it accentuated my curves, but just imagining walking around all puffy and girly just makes me sort of quiver as I write the words down (right now I'm imagining a feather duster and the demented fun you might have with it).
   Of course, that slow build up, what you called foreplay, was the perfect set up for what came next. What struck me was just the suddenness of it, like I had pretty much gotten the feel of what the session was going to be like, and then the floor was pulled out from under me and I was thrown into that strange state where I'm scared and excited at the same time, and I'm not sure whether I want to cry or just collapse from the sensations shooting through me. You mentioned that you wanted to know what I thought about being able, or rather being forced, to look into your eyes during most of it, and I have to say it was a mix of emotions. The first, and probably the most memorable, was the fear. Not just looking into your eyes, but seeing you looking into mine as you held me down, completely in control of me, was very intimidating. I never realized it before, but being able to close my eyes was actually something that helped me stay calm and zoned out. Seeing you through all of it was like the Inquisition was bearing down on me. You were there, you had me, and you wanted something from me, you wanted me to answer you but I was so confused and flustered that I couldn't think straight. This isn't a criticism at all, and when it was all over, I actually think it made things more intense overall. I could feel your control over me more than ever as the look on your face as you held me down was burned into my eyes. I don't know if this is what you had in mind, but it certainly had a profound effect on me.
   I hope to see you soon, and I will call in case I can come in two weeks, but in the meantime, thanks again, and I look forward to the next time we meet.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

09-01-07: Hello Mistress
Thinking about last night's session while it's fresh in my mind, as it always happens, there were a lot of different elements that came together to drive me crazy (and as always, in a good way). To start with, the introduction of rope bondage, which as far as I can remember we've only tried a few times, was quite enjoyable, not just by itself, but also in that it enhanced everything else you put me through while I was strung up. The fact that I was tied to the bed post and could feel the rope digging into me whenever I moved too much was enough on its own (especially given my new found appreciation for bondage for its own sake), but the sense of helplessness it created as you started tickling me mercilessly, knowing my body would jerk and cut into the ropes, was ultimately all the more satisfying. You say it a lot during the sessions, that I can't get away and you can do anything to me (which technically would be true with or without bondage), but actually being able to feel it, feeling you pushing my buttons and making me move, even though all moving does it remind me that I can't, is the perfect way to show where my place is and should be.
On that note, I do have to say that I have been pleasantly surprised lately at how well the introduction of more pain into our sessions has gone. I know for a long time that we didn't do it as much, and I don't know whether it was an intentional reservation on your part because of my limits or if it was just something we were building to, but now that we're experimenting more with it, I think it's only made our sessions better as a whole. While I certainly still don't have the stamina and pain threshold of your typical pain slut, and while I was as surprised as you at how well I took to the clamps, now more than ever, when you say that you can bring me pain or pleasure, that it's your choice, I know that there's about an equal chance of either, and which option I may want is irrelevant. On the subject of pain (sort of), the tease and denial portion seemed particularly more involved this time, and I was lucky I had the pain in my foot to defer to, otherwise it would have been a lot more intense (read: accident) than it might have been. When I say involved, I just mean that it seemed you were paying more attention to it than usual, taking longer and even taking out the baby oil (which was incredible by the way, not just with tease and denial but all across my body; again, thank god for the pain or I might have ruined it). All in all, through pain or pleasure, yesterday's session was just one more pleasant reminder of why I see you. Being able to take one day out of my week to be with someone that I can not only talk to and trust, but also let go with, to let you control me, and in a way, take care of me, if only for a few hours; I've said this before and I'll say it again, it's really the highlight of my days.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

08-17-07: Hello Mistress
   Luckily, I was able to push back work, so I could sleep in, settle down, and send this out. In the future, as we will be most likely switching to Friday sessions, I don't think the humility wall entries will be a problem. Anyway, thinking back on last night's session, I think the thing that I remember the most, the thing that effected me the hardest when it was all over, was the juxtaposition of sensations. Basically, it's nothing unusual for our sessions to be a mixture of pain and pleasure, but usually, that mixture is tightly controlled and separated, first one, than the other. For instance, when we experimented with hot wax, I would go up and down, feeling the intense heat and pain, and then the soothing feeling of the spray or your hands on my skin. Yesterday, the two sensations were happening almost all at the same time, and it left me with a strange feeling that I still haven't quite figured out yet. I would feel pain or discomfort, either from the tape around my head compressing me, the restraints around my ankles numbing me, or the strain on my legs as you pushed them farther forward towards my shoulders, and at the same time, I would be shaking from the vibration going all up and down my body, the feel of your hands moving all over me, or your cool breath on my thigh (which doesn't sound like much written down, but drove me crazy when you were doing it). It's an odd state to be in, especially for me as I'm not usually one who enjoys pain, to be in pain and not want it to stop, because I'm also feeling so good.
   That notion of course leads to the long awaited returned of the little black strap on, which despite a few painful yelps, I quite enjoyed overall. It was a bit of a surprise, not only because it had been so long since we used it, but also because I could not see it when we started, and I had no idea that it was waiting there the whole time. Given the position we were in, I can only figure that you had it on before you got on the bed, but obviously I wasn't in a state to notice. Also, not being able to see or hear it coming did in a way heighten the experience; there was no build-up or forethought, it was just there before I knew what hit me. On that note, I do think the ear plugs were a good addition to our takes on sensory deprivation. I wasn't conscious of it at the time, but in retrospect, not being able to see or hear anything made it a lot easier to just give in to the feelings all across my body. Before, even when I had the blindfold on, I could still hear sounds and try to anticipate what was coming next, but yesterday, I was completely unable to sense anything until you had already done it to me; in a way it was an even deeper level of helplessness. Once I got over the initial apprehension of not being able to predict, it was actually very freeing, allowing me to just sit back and let it happen, trusting you to handle me with care, so to speak.
   Well, I thought I would end this with a long essay on my feelings about God, organized religion, and the nature of belief, but I really didn't think it was the right forum (just kidding). Anyway, I'll see you in two weeks, and the more I think about it, the more I am looking forward to the change to Fridays. It will be sort of like my reward for the long work week. Thanks again, I'll see you soon.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

08-08-07: Hello Mistress
   I'm not sure if there was a generally greater level of intensity than normal, or if it was just because I hadn't seen you in awhile, but I came away from last night's session feeling more abuzz (if that's a word) than I have in a long time. For all I know, it could have been a fluke of the temperature, causing my body to overheat, but whatever it was, I was still trembling from it this morning. All in all, I think are latest foray into CBT (still mild from how you talked about it) was a welcome addition to our training regimen, and I was pleasantly surprised once again, as I've always been hesitant about exploring this area and we've yet to have a bad experience with it. Still, the real thrill of the session wasn't from the discomfort the rope caused (though that feeling of constriction would have been great on its own), but rather from the extra length of rope you left dangling, allowing you to lead me wherever you wanted me to go. Normally, when you're giving me directions, I obviously want to follow to the best of my abilities, if I'm not too clumsy or zoned out to oblige, but this time, you didn't even have to say a word. All you had to do was tug and I knew exactly where to move, and whether I was standing up or sitting down, I could always feel where my limit was. For instance, the one time I did have to be corrected for separating my ankles (mostly because my body was shaking so much I couldn't hold them down), the reason it could happen was because my legs weren't tied down, but if I had tried to move away any further, I wouldn't have needed you to pull me back, as I would have been jerked back painfully - a visceral reminder of where my place was.
   Also, with the rope tightly wrapped around me, I quite enjoyed the redistribution of sensations. As I noticed right after, it seemed like everything was blocked off where I would normally be getting excited (and possibly too excited), but the sensations were still there in full force; they were just sent down straight to my legs. They're still a little sore, and I think the muscles are worn out. It was so powerful, it almost felt like a seizure (though obviously, I would qualify it as the best seizure ever). Plus, what would normally have been tease and denial was transformed into something completely different. The pressure was building up just like it always does, but because it was blocked off, there wasn't as much of a threat of going over the edge. I don't know for sure, but I felt like you could have gone on all night and I wouldn't have had any problem. I might have gone insane and my head might have exploded, but that would have made a different kind of mess, and I don't think I'd be responsible for that. I don't remember another session where I was used so much that I actually fell down and cracked my head on the mirror, but maybe that's because I fell down and cracked my head on the mirror. Either way, it was still an extremely satisfying session, both physically and psychologically, and the best in a while.
   I have nothing coming up, so meeting next week should work out fine, barring any sudden emergency. Thanks again for another great experience, and I look forward to the next one.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

07-19-07: Hello Mistress
   I just remembered that you took pictures yesterday, so I checked the site, and I must say, seeing me there on the bench made me laugh out loud. Something about the position and the way my body sits; when I was experiencing it directly, all I could focus on was the sensation, the up and down from pain and then pleasure and back again, so I never really took the time to try and visualize how I looked from your perspective (which I like to do when we try something new). Seeing it now, looking half exhausted and half trying in vain to fidget out of the way of the pain, is very amusing. It also put me right back into the scene again, which took my breath away a little. As I said yesterday, in terms of my pain threshold, I don't know how well I did compared to most people who go through this kind of wax play, but compared to how I thought I would do after you explained it to me, I think I did quite well. I don't remember there ever being a point where I thought I could absolutely take no more, or where I was tempted to use my safe word (at least not with the wax, now the tease and denial on the other hand...). I also quite enjoyed the fact that the interspersal of pain throughout the session kept me awake and aware; that I could experience all the sensations that I normally would, without slipping into that state where that's all I can experience. Finally, I did enjoy that for once, I could actually sense how much you were enjoying it every time the heat made me squirm and squeal, which made me feel good to go through it.
   As far as the tease and denial portion of the session, I know I say this every time (and it's true every time), but I think you went farther yesterday then you've ever gone, and I'm surprised I was able to hold out. I think the position I was in helped, that thanks to my sitting on the CBT bench, I was always in at least some small level of discomfort. When I'm on the bed, usually it's easier for me to slip into a place where I can't control myself as well, but yesterday, I always had something to pull me back out and let me put myself back together, which let me hold out longer than I normally would have. Of course, the fact that every few minutes or so I was doused in hot wax helped a lot with this too. Still, even with all of that, I can't remember another time when you've gotten me so far that I was crying and struggling to hold on just when you breathed near me. I think more than most sessions, this one reminded me that whether I'm experiencing extreme pain or extreme pleasure, the point is, it's your choice, that I've surrendered to your will and you can pull me in any direction you want. I don't really know if I needed reminded of this, but it was good to go through it nonetheless.
   As I think I said yesterday, next week is my work week, so I'll see you again in two weeks, when I'm sure you'll find yet another way to make me squirm and squeal.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

7-12-07: Hello Mistress
   I think that from now on, I'm going to try and work out my schedule so we never have two weeks off in a row like that again. I forget if I mentioned this or not, but after a little more than a week and a half without a session, I started to get really antsy; I hate to compare it to alcohol withdrawal, but by last Friday, I was starting to get the shakes. Add to that that in those two weeks I had both a visit to the grandparents and a family fourth of july cook-out, and it becomes even more clear how much I needed last night's session to calm my nerves. For the record, it didn't disappoint in that capacity, and I woke up today for the first time in a few days feeling nice and refreshed. One other thing I noticed waking up today (apart from the soreness, which you were right about by the way) was that the feeling of being at the edge of being milked, that sort of tightness that isn't painful, but makes me shiver a little bit, was still there this morning. It took a few hours of being up and around before it faded, and that was only after I had to...help it along. That's never happened before, and I don't know if that's because it was more intense or what, but I thought I should mention it. Anyway, as for the session itself, it was a welcome return to something I had been away from for quite awhile. I've always found it odd how my body remembers certain things instinctually, like what cues you hit to make me moan or zone out, but that other things, like how to breathe in the wrap or how to walk in high heels, seem to need refreshing every time. Even so, whatever the reason, I'm glad we were able to have a refresher course. I don't usually mention it in the humility wall entry, but even the little routine things like walking back and fourth, or the examination in the mirror, that we do every session really help to remind me of the paces and put me the right mindset for the rest of the session.
   As far as that went, for one thing, I was pleasantly surprised at how well I held out, both in the tease and denial aspect, and in how long I was able to handle the anal. As I think I mentioned, by the end, I didn't even notice how many fingers were in, but I definitely noticed how fast and hard you were going, and for how long. Usually I'm concerned by how quickly it starts to hurt, but this time I was almost concerned with how little it hurt, that maybe something was wrong there. It didn't really occupy my mind that much though, as I was much too busy screaming in ecstasy and hoping you would just keep going. I do have to admit that there was one thing I was almost expecting would happen, which didn't, though I wasn't disappointed at all. At the beginning of the session, you asked me when the last time I had masturbated was, and I didn't really think much of it, as I assumed you were probably planning on attempting milking again (which you obviously did). But when you had me on the bed, with my ankles up so far behind my head that "things" were generally pointed in that direction, I almost thought you were about to allow me to release, if only so it would be released all over my face. I can't say a part of me wasn't hoping against hope that that was where you were going, but as I said, I'm disappointed that you didn't. Either way, I was also pleasantly surprised that I was limber enough to get my legs that far up. I don't know exactly what positions you still intend to try, but that gave me more confidence that I'll be able to handle them when you do.
   So, barring any freak occurrences, I should be able to see you next week, so I hope to see you then...and I'll be in pink as instructed.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney.

06-21-07: Hello Mistress
   Coming away from last night's session, I'd say that the whole experience left me feeling a mix of relief and anticipation. I was relieved to find out that I actually was capable of being milked, which had troubled me a bit, and I was left anticipating the prospect of what might come of your new personalized training. On the milking front, it wasn't something that I was terribly concerned about, but I was beginning to think there was some sort of medical reason why it wasn't happening (which wouldn't be surprising given my myriad of other medical problems). Finally knowing that it is possible with a little effort is a load off my mind (really, no pun intended). I don't remember enough about the last time we experimented with milking to know if you did anything differently this time, but whatever you did, I was finally able to recognize what it felt like, even though there wasn't that much actually milked. I definitely think there would have been more had I not become sore so quickly; all night last night after I left, I felt like something was still building up. You mentioned that in chastity training, milking is usually the only way release is allowed, and the more I think about, the more intrigued I am by the possibility. While I don't think I'm anywhere near ready for prolonged chastity training, the idea that you would have that even greater level of control over me, especially by restricting something I usually do daily, is very exciting.
   As for the subtle introduction of personal training, I felt that, while there wasn't much to it this time, it should be a welcome addition to my overall training. I know you tell me not to worry too much about it, but sometimes I do feel a little selfish, like I'm getting more out of our sessions than you are (mostly because I can't imagine you enjoying our sessions as much as I am), so to have a segment of training specially tailored to your particular wants and needs is a big way to help me feel like I'm giving something back. I've always felt that whether I experience pain, pleasure, or anything in between during a session, what I really get out of it is the power exchange, the feeling of helplessness and the knowledge that I've let go, given control over to you to do whatever you see fit, but that being said, I am eager to start having specific tasks to perform, things where I have to be active and alert, and not just a passive plaything. That's not to say I want to give up the zone-y goodness, but it will be nice to change things up a bit. The fact that you started with toe nail polishing was also a little exciting for me. As you know, I have this sort of inexplicable thing about feet (your feet specifically), and being that close to them does leave me gasping for breath (yet again, I'm shaking just thinking about it).0
   I guess this will be the last humility wall entry I write for the next couple of weeks, so I'll try to survive until then (and I will have a new outfit to wear for our next session). See you soon.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

6-14-07: Hello Mistress
I've been trying to get this out all day, but I think something might be wrong with my internet connection; hopefully this is the last time I have to try this (if you've gotten multiple copies of this e-mail, it's because this is the third time I've tried to send it). Anyway, yesterday's session was amazing as usual, even more given that it had been so long since our last one. As you know, I haven't had the best couple of weeks outside of our sessions; not only do I have my family issues to work out, but I've had to do that while being sick as a dog and breaking my back at work. Finally being able to come back and see you again has really helped dissolve a lot of that tension that's been building up (both mentally and physically, my back feels better this morning than it's felt all week). Just being able to clean up, get dressed, and feel sexy again is a welcome change from how down I've been feeling lately. I think I mentioned that I sort of let my self go a little bit when I was sick, so being able to look in the mirror and see something other than a disgusting sicky made my week. Also, I think being away from it for a week made the sensations, the rush and sensitivity, a lot more pronounced. I noticed as soon as the egg was in that my body seemed to shake a bit more than usual; thinking about it now I'm actually surprised I was able to stand up so quickly. Unlike most sessions, I can't really pinpoint any one single moment that stands out above the rest, that highlight moment that makes me quiver a bit when I remember it, but in a way, the whole session in my mind sets me at a general rumble as I write this. I can't say exactly what it was about the session as a whole, but I came away from it much more excited and exhilarated that I usually am (or at least as excited as our first mummification session).
I suppose if I did have to point to one thing that put me over the edge (figuratively obviously), I would have to say it was the new discovery of my incredibly sensitive earlobes. I don't think I've ever moaned that loud or that high, but even when you would just graze by it with your tongue or breath a little, or whisper something in my ear, I just couldn't control myself. I also don't usually black out as completely as I did, but when we were at the height of it, there are bits and pieces where I know I was just gone, given over to the feel of it. It's kind of amazing, that every time I think you've explored every inch of my body and there couldn't possibly be anywhere else on me that's more sensitive than the last soft spot, you manage to find it and zero in on it almost automatically, like you have a sixth sense for finding all the places that'll make me squirm. From a training perspective, I also appreciated the increased level of tease and denial. Coming after the session of my rare accident, I found it refreshing that rather than back off of it a bit, you actually accelerated that; I don't know if it was a conscious decision on your part or just you going with the flow of the session, but you can be so cruel sometimes (in a good way, of course). All in all, it was another wonderful session, and a much needed respite from everything that's been piling up for me lately, so at the risk of sounding repetitive, I do have to thank you again for that. Barring any unforeseen circumstance, I should be able to see you next week, so I guess I'll talk to you again next Wednesday.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!
------------------------------------------

05-24-07: Hello Mistress
   I'm sorry this e-mail is coming in a little later than usual, but unfortunately I'm getting to a bit of a late start in general today. Thanks in part to last night's session, I slept in a little later than normal, and since I wasn't able to get to the computer fast enough, I had to wait for other people to get off. Anyway, thinking about it now, I think that despite a few logistical problems in the beginning with getting the wrap on and dealing with circulation problems, I still consider last night's attempt at mummification as good if not better than our first experiment with it. Obviously my body thought so, which led to the unfortunate bit at the end, but psychologically speaking, I learned a lot about what it is about mummification, that specific level of helplessness, that I enjoy so much, thanks largely to the addition of suffocation. As I mentioned after the session ended, I think the main reason I went over the edge was because I was not only helpless, but completely smothered. I'm not used to having my face completely blocked off like that, and when it happened, it was so scary that I could no longer focus on keeping my excitement at bay, which, in a way, was a good thing. One of the reasons I come to you is because I feel the most comfortable when you are taking control away from me and exerting it yourself, and yesterday was an illustration of that; it's scary on an instinctual level to lose control, but ultimately satisfying once I feel your firm hand taking hold of my will and subsuming it (I'm fairly sure that's a word). For the longest time, no matter what you've put me through, no matter how intense the tease-and-denial gets, I've always been able to hold on to just enough control to keep myself from going over the edge, but last night, you finally took that last bit of control away from me, and even though it resulted in my breaking a rule and being punished accordingly, in a way, it felt good to lose all control for that moment (though I am still going to do everything in my power to make sure it doesn't happen again). Also, for the record, as much as the smothering intensified the experience, the introduction of ice helped a whole lot too; I didn't really have a way to work that into this, so I thought I'd just mention now that it was outstanding.
   On the subject of my accident, I also think I handled the correction better this time than I did the first time I had to be punished for making a mess. I don't mean taking the pain, which was just as intense given my low pain-threshold, but more the need to deal with the guilt of disobeying your rule. I've said many times as a joke that there are times during our sessions where I feel like the punishment might be worth it, but in reality, when I fail to do something you've asked of me, or when I don't understand a command or am slow to action, the fact that I've let you down gets to me, and ultimately hurts worse than any physical punishment I've ever received during a session. The thing is, the last time I needed to be corrected, I didn't understand the absolution that should come from the correction, and I still felt guilty afterwards, but this time, once it was over, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and get back to normal, even though I was close to tears moments earlier after I realized what had happened. Even though I slipped up, my reaction to it makes me feel that I've grown up a lot in the two years we've known each other. Of course, now that I know that the safe word applies to tease-and-denial, hopefully this won't be an issue ever again, but if it does happen again, I won't get hung up on making a mistake for weeks to come, like I was the first time.
   On the bad news front, I actually got the call early today that I won't be able to come in next week, so I will hopefully see in two weeks. Thank you again for another excellent session; as always, you've left me with a lot to think about...

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

05-17-07: Hello Mistress
   I hope the video turned out better this time; it's not up as of the time I'm writing this, but it's still early after all. Here's hoping we don't have to get out the big light next time. To be honest, I have to say that the effect of last night's session on me physically and psychologically was not as intense overall as it was after our first mummification session (which is understandable given how much more sensitive that made me), but that's not to say it still wasn't a great session in its own right. Of course the big change this time was the introduction of the collar and the leash, which I could have sworn we'd tried once before (a long time ago) to a minimal degree, though it was much more crucial to the session last night. At the very least, I think this was the first time you overtly treated me as an actual pet (or at least in the real doggy sense). I did find the whole experience a bit odd, but not at all in a bad way, if only because we had spent so much time just that day talking about where my interests might lie in age regression, and then all of a sudden I was thrust into the role of a completely different species! I wasn't really expecting anything specific before we started the session (since I've come to you I've learned the only thing I can expect is to be surprised), but this was something I had not even thought of before. I think I mentioned afterwards how I thought the pairing was odd, that I was collared and being lead around by your leash, while at the same time in a full set of red lingerie. It put me in mind of the wall hanging you've had up on your wall for a long time, something along the lines of "men are animals, but some make good pets". Here I was, the product of more than a year's training, taken from a little girl and molded into a full-fledged sexualized woman, only to then be made into a 'good pet'; like I said, it wasn't a bad thing, just a little confusing. Even so, the feeling of being pulled and guided by your hand on the leash sent a shiver down my spine with every tug. It's a strange feeling; my arms and legs are free, but the same feeling of helplessness is there, as though I were in bondage, and because I'm not stuck in one place, you're more free to exert your control over me. Coincidently, as impolite as this may be to say here, it did fulfill a number of long standing fantasies I've had about the dominance and submission aspect of our sessions.
   And in that spirit, I have to add that I think the addition of the leash around my neck only enhanced the experience of sucking your cock. I don't know if the presence of the camera was part of it too or not, but I can't remember the last time I got that excited sucking your cock. Mind you, I've never had a bad experience with it or been disappointed afterwards, but yesterday was particularly enjoyable. The only thing I can think of is that your hand on the leash was something similar to your hand on my head, an extension of the rushing feeling I get when your directing me to go deeper or faster or move differently; and since the leash was permanently around my neck, that feeling was constant. I've come to think of the highlight of any session as that moment that makes me shiver most the next day when remembering it, and after writing this paragraph, I've been shivering quite a bit.
   Anyway, that's all for today, though I'll be checking in a few times to see if the video was good enough. Thank you again for another fantastic session, and I will see you next week.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

05/03/07: Hello Mistress
   I felt this way immediately afterwards, and upon further reflection I am convinced that yesterday's session was my favorite one so far. After I left your house yesterday, the sensitivity that I usually feel after a session was much greater than it has ever been, and while it usually goes away after an hour or so, this time it stayed with me all night. I couldn't go to sleep like I usually do, both because I was so charged up from the session, and because every time I closed my eyes and tried to rest, my mind would go right back to your bedroom, wrapped in plastic in the dark. I had been eagerly anticipating trying mummification for a while now, ever since you suggested it, but mostly just because I wanted to satisfy my curiosity about what it might be like; you warned me that the sensory play would be more intense than normal, but I never considered it would be as intense as it was. Once I was completely encased, my entire body felt like an exposed nerve, and every time you would even graze me with your finger tips or the edge of the scissors (let alone lick me), a shock would travel all across my skin. Just thinking about it now makes me shiver a little bit. After a while, there was nothing I could do but feel. I could hear, but I couldn't concentrate; the best I could do was focus on the sound of your voice and let everything that was happening to me just wash over me. I also noticed that after it was over, after you cut me out of the wrap completely, it was a different experience than any other type of bondage we've experimented with. Normally, I would be in a stress position, or at least some position where staying in it too long would start to hurt. The mummification was exactly the opposite; the longer I stayed in it, the more I just wanted to stay like that all day, and when I was let out, it felt more strange being able to move than it did being helpless under your control. I definitely think this was a successful experiment, and it's encouraging in that it makes me want to re-consider other aspects of our training that I haven't thought about before.
   On that subject, the more I think about it, the more I think I do want to further explore this maternal aspect of our sessions. Whereas up to this point I've been apprehensive and a bit embarrassed by it, yesterday it felt like you were almost pushing that side of it a little, seeing how far you could go. I'm trying to be delicate here so as not to say anything too personal, but learning that my natural instinct to suck doesn't just apply to your cock, among other things, has made me think about where I am psychologically, and what kind of submissive I thought I was and think I am. I can't really be more specific than that at this time, because I'm still trying to figure all of this out, but I'm leaning towards the idea that my interests in the area of submission are much more broad than I originally thought. If I'm right, experimenting with this maternal instinct might be just the beginning. Coming to you and going through our training sessions has always been about expanding my horizons, learning new things about the lifestyle and about myself, and I'm starting to feel like I've been limiting myself up to this point, assuming I'm one thing, when I might be many different things. I realize this sounds strange just as I'm writing this, and I hope I will have a better developed idea of what I'm trying to get at by the next time I see you. I still haven't found out if I can make it next week, but I will send you an email this weekend when I do.
   Anyway, thank you again for another great session; as always, you've given me a lot to think about.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED

-Sissy Brittney

04-26-07: Hello Mistress
   People have been walking in and out all day so I'm writing this in fits and starts, hopefully it will come together and make sense in the end. I didn't even think of it until I sat down, but I just remembered that you took video. I checked the site, but as of the time that I'm writing this e-mail, it's not up yet. I'll check again later tonight, but I might be away from my computer for the next couple of days. I hope you were able to get something out of what you shot despite the lighting problems. If not, I'm sure we'll have fun trying again next time. Last night's session was excellent as usual, and the inclusion of the cross and the whip (I forget what you called it exactly) was a welcome addition that I wasn't expecting. Ever since I've been coming to see you, I've seen that cross in the corner, and I've heard you talk about it and seen pictures on your site of other people in it, but as far as I can remember, this was the first time I actually experienced it. It was an interesting experience, particularly in that it was a different kind of vulnerability than I am used to. You always stress that I'm helpless, and while I wasn't really any more or less helpless in the cross than in any of the other stress positions you've put me in, I felt it a little more for two reasons. For one thing, I was standing, which meant I was upright, awake, and aware of what was going on in a way that I'm usually not in these kinds of situations (though I still managed to zone out through a lot of it). Most of the stress positions you've put me in up to this point have been either on the bed or on the bench, and in both cases, while I may not be able to move, I still have one position which I can use as something of a resting state; in the cross, I not only couldn't move, but I had to hold myself up at all times, which was especially hard yesterday, as my feet we're already killing me for some reason even before I even walked in the door. Also, you introduced pain into it, which, even though it wasn't extremely intense, still always serves to remind me that I'm there to please you and not the other way around (I always know that, but given how good I feel just physically when I see you, sometimes it's easy to forget). I probably have the weakest pain threshold of anybody, so it didn't take much force on your part to make the point.
   Obviously the second part of our session, some of which will hopefully be online soon, was the highlight. I've said this many times before, and I've never been able to do justice to the intensity of the experience, but when the tongue comes into play, I just about lose all sense of where I am or what I'm doing. I don't know what it is, but the warmth and the wetness and the slow movement around my skin just makes my whole body go crazy. Just writing that sentence put me back there and made me shake a little bit; I think my body still has a little bit of sense memory of the experience. What we've started doing the last couple sessions, up close on the bed, has actually brought up an interesting problem I've noticed (problem might not be the right word, but I can't think of what else to call it). Basically, when I'm sitting up and you're sending all my nerve endings into overdrive, inevitably you direct my attention to your cock, and when I'm conscious of it, I find it hard to decide what to do. Up until now, the moment I was aware of your cock anywhere near me, I'd instantly be begging for it and needing it, but now, I still need it just as bad, but I also don't want what's happening to me to stop. I'm essentially in a position where I want desperately to move away from your touch and onto your cock, and at the same, in a position where I want desperately never to move away from your touch at all. I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been sort of frozen there until you give me orders one way or the other. I don't know if this is a big thing, but I thought it was interesting to note.
   Also, one more thing before I send this out, I did want to mention another thing I found odd. A few weeks ago I brought up a moment which wasn't exactly uncomfortable, just a little confusing, which I believe I described as either "motherly" or "paternal", and I had a little moment like that yesterday. It wasn't anything pronounced, I just thought you might find it amusing. It was when the battery ran out in the egg and you had me turn and put me over your knee, which of course put me in mind of something else for a moment, obviously unintentional on your part. Like I said, it wasn't anything major and it hasn't shaken my entire world view, but I thought I should bring it up in the interest of full disclosure; maybe it's something to discuss or explore later on.
   Anyway, thank you again for another great session, and I can't wait to see you next week.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney

04-12-07: Hello Mistress
   Before I start, I should mention that something strange happened to me on the way home. Except for a little bit of wobbliness, I felt pretty good to drive home after our session last night, but as I was driving, just as I turned off of your street, I was hit by a weird feeling. It wasn't like the normal rush, which usually starts inside your house and gradually wears off as I make it home, it was more like a sudden shot of endorphins directly into my brain. I had to put my foot on the brake and slow down to stop from swerving off the road, and when I finally did manage to get going again, I was all giggly and shaky the rest of the night. I don't know if it was a delayed orgasm or just a more intense physical reaction to our sessions than I normally have, but it was certainly interesting.
   Thinking about last night's session, a few key things come to mind immediately that left me with the strong sense that I'm going in the right direction as far as training and more importantly, submitting to your will. For one thing, I crossed a hurtle yesterday that I didn't even know I had in front of me: going outside into the real world. Until the subject came up yesterday, I hadn't really thought about going outside much, and I hadn't realized how much my last bad experience really affected me. Since I'd done it so many times before and gotten past the initial irrational fear, I didn't think I'd be scared this time, but when the prospect of going out came closer and closer to actually happening, I found myself shaking (and not in the good way like I mentioned before). The thought of it brought me back to that last time, when I had to cross a gauntlet of rude neighbors and insults, and I didn't want to face it again. The point is, while I was once again scared, which might seem like a step backwards in training, when you finally said go, in my mind I didn't hesitate at all from stepping out in public. The fact that you wanted me outside meant more to me than any feelings I might have had to the contrary, and I automatically reacted the way you wanted me to. You mentioned that it seemed like I was hurrying a bit when I got back, like I wanted to get it over with, but honestly, I wasn't embarrassed at all. I was rushing, but only because it was cold outside in what I was wearing, and I had on a very short skirt on a windy day. I don't know if you noticed, but when I got back, I wasn't nearly as nervous or close to hyperventilating as I usually am. I was still a little weirded out by it, as always, but I think I ultimately handled the whole experience better than I ever have before.
   Of course, the highlight of the session was after I got back, where you once again found new ways to turn my mind into mush. The tongue...there's really nothing I can say here that could do justice to that experience. Every touch, even down to the slightest little wisp of your skin on mine, was enough to send me into convulsions. With my eyes closed and my body completely under your control, there were many times when I didn't even know where I was, like my sense of direction just spiraled off course with every lick, and all I could do to keep myself from falling over completely was to find where you were and try to concentrate as best as I could on your hands guiding me to where you wanted me. Despite the slight bit of awkwardness this loss of orientation led to near the end, I still felt more nurtured and cared for than I have in a long time. Even when things got a little more intense, when I sucking or riding your cock, I could always feel your hands directing me, either on my head pushing me up and down, or around my hips guiding me onto you. And even though this time I was a little more conscious of what was going on, at least to the point where my wrap would pull me back to reality occasionally, the effect was still the same in the end. I can only describe it as being able to revel in the loss of control, to give myself over completely to your will, and the fact that that is now so easy to do, tells me I'm progressing nicely through our training.
   I don't know if I'll be near a computer with internet access for a few days to read the response to this, but I'm pretty sure I will be back from my trip next Friday or Saturday. Thank you once again for another amazing session, and I will hopefully see you again in two weeks.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

04-05-07: Hello Mistress
    It's yet another unseasonably cold day (with snow in April no less), so I hope your getting through it alright; personally, remembering last night's session is certainly helping me warm up! Thinking about this entry, I've noticed that I'm not having nearly as much trouble remembering individual details as I usually do. I definitely think I crossed some sort of threshold last night, pushing the intensity of the raw sensation farther than I think its ever gone. After it was over, I was wobbly but I wasn't tired; in fact as you noted, I was positively giddy. It's strange, but it seems like every time I come to see you, it feels like you've pushed me over the edge, but then the next week you somehow find an even further edge. I suspect that a lot of this last night was due to just how strongly you were focusing on the psychological level, not that the physical aspect was ignored at all either.
    When we were on the bed and I was up close to you, practically nuzzling your shoulder unable to hold myself up, my mind went to places that I still don't fully understand. I remember it all this time, but I don't really have a word for it. Intimacy isn't enough to describe it; it was someplace beyond that that I just wanted to stay in forever - "swimming in subspace" as you said. But more than that, there was a sense of dependency that made up our connection, much more than simple dominance and submission. At some point, I felt like you were holding onto me, not just physically, but in every sense, and if you had let go, there wouldn't be enough of me left to function. I don't know if this is sounding strange or overly dramatic, but it's the only way I can think to put it down on paper. I was completely taken out of the reality I was in before I walked into your house, and brought into whatever reality you wanted me to experience, to the point that when you were grinding into me with your strap-on, it felt completely real, as though you were actually inside me, even though there was no actual penetration.
    As for the attempted milking towards the end, I can't say it was disappointing given how great it felt just on a physical level, but I am still a bit concerned that my body wasn't able to perform correctly. I know you tell me I'm being silly when I say this, but I wonder if there's some medical reason it hasn't worked. I only think so because, with all the medical problems I've had thus far, I wouldn't be surprised to learn about yet another condition that would effect our sessions. I know I'm probably just being paranoid, and of course I hope I'm wrong. Even so, despite my apparent lack of ability to be milked so far, obviously I have no complaints about the process, as I'm sure you could tell by all the moaning and writhing. Then again, you seem to be able to make me do that with just the slightest physical contact, so maybe you can't tell.
    Anyway, I can't wait to see again, and as far as I know, next week should be fine schedule wise. Thanks again for another great session.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

03-22-07: Hello Mistress
   Before I start, I have to say I just saw the pictures, and like last week, they were great, but I think I actually liked the color one a little better this time. The black and white picture is a little more classy, but with the color one, you can see how the red rope matches my outfit (maybe it's a superficial element, but for some reason I enjoyed that). I was a little surprised at how that stress position looked from the outside. Maybe it's just because of my inexperience with the position, but it felt a lot tighter than it looks; in the picture, it looks like I could have slipped out of it at anytime (which of course I couldn't!). Even so, despite the fact that my body sort of gave out a little bit, maybe sooner than I felt you would have liked, I'm always intrigued by the steadily increasing levels of bondage and restraints that we experiment with. As I've said before, I never even imagined that the feeling of being restrained would be anything that would excite me as much as it does, and the further we go, the more excited I am to see what comes next, and how far we can go with each new experience.
   As for the other parts of the session, while I'm again a bit hazy on all the details, I remember vividly being allowed to kiss your feet and worship, and eventually take your cock. I couldn't really form the appropriate words of apology at the time, but I remember at one point I was on my knees in front of you, my head to the ground, unconsciously nuzzling your foot, and you reprimanded me for kissing your feet without permission. This kind of thing is beginning to worry me a little bit, as it happened once before in another session when I began sucking your cock without permission, and I honestly don't mean to do it, it's just that when I get to a certain point, where my head is swimming and all I can concentrate on is instinct, I almost lose control of myself. When I'm so close I become ravenous, and it's getting harder to stop myself because I'm so out of it.
   As always, being able to suck your cock, and finally being fucked, on the floor like a slut, was the highlight of the evening. As I think I mentioned yesterday, the new lubricant, while obviously not enough to facilitate the larger strap-on, certainly helped with the normal smaller one. I wasn't exaggerating when I said I thought I could last another hour without getting sore. I was a bit worried at first when you brought it up, because you called it a numbing agent, and I thought I would lose too much feeling, but if anything, it doubled the intensity of the experience, and made it so much easier to maneuver myself. All in all it was very encouraging for a first try, and I think if we work at it just a bit more, the larger cock will be a possibility very soon.
   It's looking more and more like I won't be able to come next week, but I will send you an email this weekend when I know for sure. Either way, I can't wait for the next session. Thanks again, and I hope to see you soon.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK, and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

03-15-07: Hello Mistress
   Sorry this is a little later in the day than usual, but thanks to last night's session, I slept in too late and so I had to wait until everyone else was off the computer. As I seem to always say, last night's session was amazing as usual, and this time we once again have the pictures to prove it. I just saw them a few minutes ago and I must say I was once again pleasantly surprised by how good they came out. I wasn't expecting them to be in black and white, but I liked the look, sort of like the old Irving Klaw stuff. This was another instance of me actually becoming a little aroused by my own photos, which is still a little weird when I think about it. As for the session itself, you asked me to be as detailed as possible, and I'll try to be, but like I said when it was over, yesterday was one of those sessions where my mind went so far and so deep into the sensation of it that the memories of what actually happened are a bit foggy. I suppose the question I asked in my last entry, about whether obstructing my vision would heighten the feeling of helplessness and the sensitivity it brings, was answered pretty forcefully yesterday. I'm not used to losing my senses like that, and except for the last few weeks, we haven't really experimented with it much, but now that we have, it's clear to me just how important it is to advancing the process of my submission. The idea that I'm being controlled by you, that I've given myself up to you, which I always feel at least on some level, is only made more impactful when I'm in total darkness like I was yesterday. I can't distract myself by visualizing anything, I can't experience anything except what you allow me too. All I know is the feeling of your touch, the scent of your room where I'm chained to the bed post, and the sound of your voice. As it was last week, it actually was a little bit frightening, realizing how little control I had over my own body.
   Like I said, what was actually going on is hard for me to pinpoint now, as I wasn't really in charge of any of my higher brain functions at the time, but one thing I do remember vividly is the feeling of closeness after you had taken me down from the hooks and had me curled up on the bed. I think I might have said this after we ended the session, but I honestly felt almost childish, like a baby curled up in your arms, cooing and giggling. I couldn't speak or even think anything coherently, all I could sense was you caressing my face or my back, gently sending shivers down my entire body. To be quite honest, it's made me rethink my previously confused and disturbed stance on what I'm pretty sure is called Age Play. I'm not saying I'm ready to go full on and put on the diaper just yet, but the connection we made yesterday was decidedly different, at least for me, than it normally is. I don't mean this to sound creepy, and really the only reason I'm phrasing it this way is because I'm new to thinking about this and don't know any other way to say it, but there was almost a maternal quality to it. As you might be able to tell, it's left me more than a little bit confused, but it was still a very enjoyable experience overall, bizarre new feelings included. We might want to talk a little bit about this next time we see each other...
   Anyway, thank you again for another wonderful session, and as always, I can't wait for the next one. I'll let you know sometime this weekend about my situation for next week, whether I can come or not.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney.

03-07-07: Hello Mistress
   I've been trying to write this all morning but keep getting interrupted; luckily I'm alone in the house now and have some time to get my thoughts down. Last night's session was amazing as usual, but it left me a bit confused once I got over the initial high and started thinking about it critically. This isn't bad by any means, I just haven't really been able to sort it out in my head yet. When I was on the bed, in the stress position with the tape over my mouth, and you had the mirror in front of my face, I'm fairly sure that was the first time I'd ever actually seen my own expression while in that kind of situation, and remembering how I looked, tears literally streaming down my face as you did whatever you wanted to me, I have to say that it has effected me more than I originally realized. You always ask me about how I feel when I'm helpless, specifically when I'm being held down and unable to move, and up until now, my response has always been that I've never been able to tell the difference in and out of bondage, that I feel just as helpless either way because I'm under your control. That's always been true, or at least I always believed it, but I think I might have been fooling myself a little bit. Psychologically I still think this is the case, but physically, the actual process of putting me in bondage or keeping me from moving adds so much more to it. I can't get away, and even though I don't really want to, even though in your control is right where I want to be, the bondage causes a certain instinct to take over and my body struggles, making my inability to get free actually mean something, that I've given myself over to be put in this situation. It's not about not being able to move at all, but about that fact that I've ceased to be me as I normally think of myself, but rather something immobile existing only for you to use, whatever that use may be; I have no say. The tape around my mouth helped with this as well. We've tried breath restriction before, but it's always been a bit frightening, and sometimes we've even had to stop, but yesterday, I could breathe perfectly fine, but I couldn't speak. I couldn't complain or make any requests (not that I wanted or needed to), and this heightened the sense that I wasn't there for my benefit, but for your enjoyment, and the fact that I was also benefiting was secondary. This makes me wonder what would change if my vision was restricted as well, whether seeing myself being made helpless, or not being able to see anything at all, would be better to hammer home the fact that I'm totally helpless.
   After you let me out of the stress position and had me on the floor, I was pretty much putty in your hands, and when I was on my knees, sucking your cock, those instincts I mentioned were all I had left, but instead of the instincts to struggle, they were those familiar "cock slut" ones that are always burrowing under the surface. I don't actually remember all of it, which shows just how charged up I was by that point, but I remember being so hungry for it that I even started sucking without asking for permission first. I don't know if I've ever done that before, and I remember feeling so guilty afterwards, but all I could think about was ravaging it for as long as I could. Then, to top it all off, you allowed me to worship your feet, which knowing how selective you are with which slaves are allowed to do that, was an honor for me. As I said after the session, I could be down there all day; being so far below you, almost as a pet, drives me crazy.
   I was hoping I'd be able to write about the pictures from our session here, but as I'm writing this they aren't on the site (I am a bit early with this one). Still, if they are half as sexy as I felt yesterday while you were taking them, I'm sure I'm in for a treat. It seems I say this every week, but thank you for the session, and I can't wait for the next one, hopefully next week if nothing terrible arises.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

-Sissy Brittney

02-28-07: Hello Mistress
   I'm writing this under a bit of duress. This is the only chance I'll have to do this today and I have people popping in and out of the room, so I might have to be a little brief. Yesterday's session was amazing as usual, and as we both noted afterwards, I think we went farther psychological, at least in terms of zoning, than we ever have before. By the end, when I was shivering and turning to mush just by your touch, and even your breath, I'd completely lost control of myself, or even any sense of myself beyond the sensations I was feeling. Part of me wanted it to stop because it was unbearable, but a much, much bigger part wanted it to go on for hours; I would have been confused if my brain was working at all. You kept asking me what I saw, and I have to be honest, I didn't see anything. I couldn't form pictures in my head; all I could do was feel. I couldn't even make out shapes. Every once in awhile something would flash and I would try to describe it, but I couldn't form words well enough. As I'm writing this, most of the experience is a blur, which shows how much it effected me. I feel bad that we couldn't include the strapon in the session, but I don't think the soreness was due to any of my medical issues. With the position I was in, I think it might have hit something a little too hard (and it is already a fragile area).
   I finally got a chance to see the movies on your site. They don't work in Mozilla, my normal browser, but they work fine in Internet Explorer. To tell you the truth, I actually feel a little strange watching the videos of other subs during their sessions. I thought about it, and I don't think it's a jealousy thing or anything like that, but more like I feel I'm invading their personal experience. I know how personal and meaningful each session is for me, and when I think of how it must be for them, I feel like its something I shouldn't be watching. This doesn't mean I would have any problem with being on film myself, or any problem with other people watching one of our sessions, in fact the idea is a bit titillating. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but it's just something I've been thinking about this morning.
   I'm sorry this couldn't be longer, and I may send an addendum if I get a chance, though I may not be near a working computer for the next couple of days. Anyway, thank you again for another great session, and I hope to go even farther next time.
I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!

- Sissy Brittney.

2-22-07: Hello Mistress
    Thinking about it now, I don't think I realized just how much I missed our sessions after being away for more than a week. Because of the weather and various personal problems lately, I've just had this slow build up of stress, and without seeing you last week, being cooped up inside hiding from the cold, I was about ready to scream. But coming home last night after seeing you, I was finally able to take a breath and feel good again, which was sorely needed. Given my current living arrangements, with the small space and lack of privacy, I haven't had that many opportunities to dress or really indulge this side of myself without fear of somebody barging in on me, so coming to see you is really my only outlet to let myself out (that wasn't supposed to be pun, and it sounded less silly in my head).
    Last night, even putting the more intense things aside, just being able to feel comfortable in my own clothes, feeling my curves, or as I mentioned in my last entry, just being able to crawl to you and kiss your feet, was enough to push out all the badness that's been building up in my head. The fact that we've added make-up, and that I'm actually looking and feeling more like I see myself inside has only made it easier to get at that psychological release. It's all come together, and it's no longer a matter of me needing to be convinced that I'm this woman or this sissy or this sub that I see in the mirror, I already know it and accept it, and now I can just revel in it.
    Speaking of reveling in it, I have to say I'm more than happy that my best friend the small black strap-on has finally come back. As I said last night, I think my body was still a bit rusty after being away from it for so long, but the sensation was still as exhilarating as ever, even if I couldn't handle as much as I used to. By the end, when you had me on the floor, begging to be fucked, I needed it so badly I was practically in tears. Before I met you I'd never begged anyone for anything, but you have a way of taking me and wrapping me around your finger that's a little bit frightening (in a good way). As evidenced by last night's session, it leaves me breathless and powerless almost right when I walk in the door.
    Hopefully nothing catastrophic happens before next Tuesday and I'll be able to see you next week; it seems like lately everything has been going wrong with car troubles and scheduling conflicts, but I don't think I can handle the stress of only seeing you every two weeks. Hears hoping for a good week.

I am a CUNT, I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!
-Sissy Brittney

02-14-07: Hello Mistress, and Happy Valentine's Day
    I'm afraid that despite the intimate nature of the holiday, there isn't really all that much to report this week. Since we didn't have a session this week, I've been a bit frustrated (you know how I get when I'm away for too long!) and the massive amounts of snow haven't really helped matters much. It turns out my car wasn't needed this week after all, but only because there was so much snow, we couldn't go out of the house, so I wouldn't have been able to see you either way. To make matters worse, I left my clothes at the other house. I still have my bras and panties, but I can't fully dress again until I get home (not that I've had the opportunity anyway, since we've been snowed in I haven't had a lot of alone time. All in all the weeks been a bit of a downer; I hope yours has been better, though just going by the weather, I'm not holding out much hope.
    One bright spot this week is that my fantasy life has gotten a lot better. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, the last couple nights I've been having the craziest dreams, and waking up from them I feel almost as good as after a real life session. They haven't been overtly sexual for the most part, but very sensual nonetheless. Last night for example, I was on my knees on the floor the whole time, and you were acting like I wasn't even there. You would walk around the room, going about your daily routine of checking mail or talking on the phone and so forth, and I was content to crawl behind you and kiss the ground you'd just walked on. You were wearing the tall black leather boots, and occasionally you would have me clean the heel or the toe. It all gets a bit fuzzy after that, but I woke up this morning almost short of breath. It's been the same way since at least Saturday, and I expect it to continue tonight (or at least I hope so).
    Anyway, I'm sorry there wasn't anything more exciting this week to report, but that just makes me more eager to see you next week.
I am a CUNT I am to SUCK and BE FUCKED!
-Sissy Brittney.

02-09-07: Hello Mistress
   As I mentioned yesterday before I left, I think our last session was definitely a return to form. Looking back on it, I think I should have stayed a few more minutes after, as on the ride home I was still a bit wobbly. I got home about seven, went right to bed, and just got up today at about noon, in probably the best night's sleep I've had in awhile given my living conditions. Especially coming after our last session, which we both felt didn't go quite right for a variety of reasons, yesterday brought everything back to the way it's been, with the welcome addition of more extensive make-up, which we rarely do. On that subject, from the few times we've experimented with it, I think yesterday was the best I've ever looked, at least facially. I noticed it the most actually right when I left, when I got in my car and saw myself in my rear view mirror. Even with my male clothes back on, seeing my face with my eyelashes decked out with mascara and eyeliner really made me see a woman staring back, and not an idealized fantasy, but a subtle, realistic feminine face. You always mention how passable I am and it's not always easy to believe it until I see myself like that.
   Another thing I noticed yesterday, particularly since you didn't bring out the smaller strapon at all, is how comfortable I feel while being subservient, regardless of whether there's any penetration involved in it. You have me walk back and forth across the room to practice in high heels, but most of the time, I'd honestly rather be crawling, or otherwise in a lower position to you. At the beginning of every session when I crawl to you to produce my tribute, or whenever I'm simply on my knees in front of you, my head down and my eyes closed, it gives me a chance to let go of everything bad that's happened before then in my life, and just focus on my place as your submissive; I don't have to worry about anything because I've given control over to you. My fascination with even the mildest foot worship (hindered recently by cold weather and socks) is just an extension of this, and I think part of the reason last week's session didn't go as well is because I didn't have as much of an opportunity to get into that frame of mind; I was thrust into the middle of a situation and I was a bit put off. The only reason I mention the strapon is that normally I've assumed that
   One more thing to add before I sign off, the hand thing you did, the caressing of the face (I don't exactly know what to call it) was excellent. When I'm zoning like I was yesterday, I'm incredibly susceptible to touch, and when you guided your hand across my cheek like that, it just drove me crazy. I don't know what to say, I didn't think it was that sensitive an area, but the intimacy of your hand being so close and moving so softly really left an impression after I left. It may seem like a little thing, but when I sat down to write this, it was the first thing that popped into my head (which is why I saved it for last).
   Anyway, I hope to see you soon, thanks again for another great session.

I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked.

- Sissy Brittney.

02-02-07: Hello Mistress
   Just got the computer back. Unfortunately, since I've been away from our session for a few days now, it's harder for me to organize my thoughts and reconstruct it, but I'll try. Obviously, I've had alot of other things going on this week, so I was a little distracted. As you noted, I didn't zone at all, and I didn't even notice the presence of a naked man a few feet away from me for several minutes. Normally, no matter how bad my week gets, I'm always able to let go of it and find some sense of at least calm, if not full-on serenity by coming to see you, but this time, there was just so much, it was a bit overwhelming. Even so, after I came home and thought about it a little bit, even though the physical sensation wasn't the same, even though my body may not have turned into mush, intellectually, I still felt so much better after coming home then I did when I woke up that morning. I'd barely had time to stop and do anything for myself this week, to even just sit and be comfortable, and I really think I needed the release on Wednesday (not an actual release of course, but a figurative one).
   One thing I think I realized, though I may have been influenced by everything else that had been going on this week, is that I don't think I'm actually as comfortable with the inclusion of other people, male or female, into our sessions as I originally thought I was. It's not embarrassment or anything like that, and of course I do get excited around the presence of another man's cock (especially the closer you bring me to it, as we found out this week), but I don't know if I've quite gotten used to sharing the experience of a session with someone else yet, particularly another slave. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I've always considered the connection that we make during a session to be very personal and very singular to us, and bringing another person into it changes the atmosphere, not necessarily into something bad, just to something that doesn't always feel right. Wednesday was a bit like this, and I think part of the reason why I didn't feel it physically is because I wasn't able to make that connection with you mentally and emotionally on my end successfully.
   Adding to this sort of ambiguous feeling was the fact that I was unable to ultimately please him. I know it was his first time with you and there's a certain level of nervousness that goes along with that, my poor performance was another embarrassing reminder that my skills as a cocksucker have not yet risen to match my desire to be one. The fact that he was so thick, that I could barely get my mouth around him without my jaw aching, was obviously another set back, but I would have hoped that I could have risen to the occasion anyway. The whole thing left me a little unsure about my progress, which was especially confusing after how far I felt I'd come in the last few months.
   Well, surprisingly, this e-mail turned into what I think was the first negative one I've ever written about a session, but I think alot of that has to do with everything I've been through recently. Hopefully next week things will be back to normal.

"I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked."
-Sissy Brittney

01-24-07: Hello Mistress
   Actually on time this morning, and you'll be happy to know I made it home safe last night without crashing my car or hitting anyone. Obviously, yesterday's session was hindered by my medical problems acting up again, but as always, you were able to find a way around it and make it as great a session as ever. I've noticed that since we started using the strapon, the effect it has had on me, especially in terms of the rush afterwards, has been different than what I had been feeling before. Instead of being drained, tranced out, and ready for bed, after a session with the strapon, I'm actually charged up and unable to go to sleep. Yesterday was a pleasant reminder of how things were before; I don't think I can say I prefer one kind of feeling over the other, but its interesting to go through it again and compare it to my new experiences. Speaking of comparisons, I noticed something when I was sitting up, practically in your lap, and you were telling me about how next week I would be riding top. Before, when everything was just simulated, you would say things like that with the caveat of "some day", coming as close as you could without risking damage, and I was always a little disappointed because I felt I would never actually get to experience it. Now, when you say something like that, I can finally get excited because I know it can and will happen (despite my problems yesterday).
   As it's only 1:00 in the afternoon as I write this, I have not gone to get my new outfit yet. I was thinking of going tonight around 5:00 or 6:00. I do feel a bit strange going out and buying an outfit, specifically looking for something short and slutty, after yesterday. I've just been thinking about how much I liked the white blouse you had me wear, and how sexy I looked and felt while still dressing sensibly and modestly (despite the fact that I had no skirt on!). This hasn't dissuaded me from going, but I thought I might also stop by one of the more mainstream places after I hit the Garden, maybe Lane Bryant or Fashion Bug, and see if I can find something on the other end of the spectrum. I know I say this every time and never get anything, but I can never find anything that I think looks good, maybe now I can come at it from a new perspective. Anyway, I'll update you later in the week on whatever I end up finding.
   One final thing about comparing the two kinds of sessions, I just have to say that a week without the strapon, especially after a week with no session at all, has only made me crave it more next week. While the prospect of a new position is intriguing, really, as long as it's you, over me, using me any way you want to, I'm happy. I've been away from it a little too long and I think I'm starting to go through withdrawals. So anyway, thanks for another great session, and I'll see you next week (though hopefully I'll be turned away from you looking at the floor for some of it at least!).

I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked.

-Sissy Brittney.

01-17-07: Hello Mistress
    I apologize for the lateness of this entry; it's about 1:00 as I write this. I caught a really bad cold on Monday, and since I was working all week, I've been trying to sleep with Nyquil through the day as much as possible, so today, I slept pretty much all day until 4:00, got up and went to work at 5:00, and just got off at 12:30. This is the first chance I've had to get on a computer alone and awake. If you think this merits any punishment next time I see you, I completely understand. Again, I'm sorry I didn't get this out sooner.
    Anyway, there isn't really that much to report this week since we didn't have a session. As I mentioned, I've been sick all week, so I haven't had the time or energy to experiment with anything or develop anything as far as a fantasy. I've been wearing my lingerie everyday as usually, because I've gotten rid of most of my male underwear. In fact, since I've been locked in my room most of the time, I've been in nothing but a bra and panties for most of the week, though I haven't dressed up and I haven't exactly felt all that sexy lately.
    I have been thinking of going out later this week when I feel better to do a little shopping. I was thinking that since I didn't pay any tribute this week, I could put that money towards a new outfit. At first I was going to go to Fashion Bug, but then I thought I'd take the time and drive down to High street and go to the Chamber or the Garden. I'd look for something slutty with a short skirt in red or black, something that will look good on film. Hopefully I'll find something good and have more news for you later in the week.
    I talked to my manager and it turns out the scheduling conflict this week was an honest mistake, which shouldn't happen again. I think I'm over the worst of the cold, and I would be surprised if I'm still sick by Saturday, so I should be fine for next Tuesday. Barring anything unforeseen, I hope to see you then.
"I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked."
- Sissy Brittney.

01-10-07: Hello Mistress
    My computer is acting up this morning, and this is my third attempt at sending this, so I hope it goes through.
    To begin, I just watched the videos on the site, and I have to say, watching me sucking your cock from your perspective, as well was the memories it brings to the surfaces, is particularly exhilarating. You mentioned yesterday that a sign of progress is whether I can look at myself and be aroused, to be attracted to the woman I see in the mirror or in the pictures, and I admit that I was there from the start, even more so than with the still photos (though the last set with Slave Gary are hard to top). I can't wait to see the complete videos start coming up, especially to finally be able to hear myself apparently humming along...
    Yesterday's session was an interesting experience, a little disappointing to the extent that I was still unable to handle your larger strap on, but overall, it was still as physically, mentally, and emotionally satisfying as ever. Of course the new addition was the stress position, a different one than any we've tried before, and I noticed that this one made me much more sensitive to your touch than any of the others we've tried. I don't know if it was because my breathing was halted with my armed pulled down, or if it was because my legs were spread so far apart, but for some reason, I became putty in your hands almost the second your fingertips grazed against my skin. As far as the tease and denial goes, I can usually handle up to twenty minutes to a half hour, but after five minutes yesterday I almost lost control. We've only done the heavier bondage a few times since I've seen you, so I don't have a lot of experience to reference, but it's been enlightening so far (I enjoy it much more than I expected) and I can't wait to try more.
    As always, being fucked by you on the floor, even if it was with the smaller cock, was physically and emotionally fulfilling, and it will probably be the highlight of my week. Just the fact that we've been able to come this far with all the problems I've had lately is a surprise to me. For so long I was unable to fulfill one of the requirements of my mantra, "to suck and be FUCKED", and now that I can, every time you allow me the honor of fucking me, it makes me feel like I'm serving my purpose, being who you have shaped me to be. I hope we will be able to push this even further in the future.
    Unfortunately I have family coming home so I'll have to end this soon, so I just have to say thanks again, and I'll see you next week.
"I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked!"
- Sissy Brittney.

01-03-07: Hello Mistress
    I meant to write this earlier, but when I got home last night, I was so hyper that I couldn't get to sleep, so I just woke up a few minutes ago. I have to say that yesterday's session was nothing like what I expected it to be, and even though I've had other experiences with other people present during sessions, this time was much more intense than anything we've done previously. I think what surprised me most was just how automatically enthralled I was by his cock, that the second I got near it, I needed to touch it and to taste it. Obviously, whenever you've used your strap on, it's an even stronger version of the same feeling, but I've always assumed that most of that was because it was an extension of you, a tool you used to dominate and control me. I think my reluctance to describe what I was feeling was partly because I didn't really believe it or understand it, that I don't just love cock as an instrument of my submission, but that I need cock simply because I am a cock whore. It sounded strange saying it yesterday, but now that I've reflected on it, it fits me perfectly.
    This is not to say that submission didn't enter into the session, and I think one of my favorite parts of yesterday's meeting was how both of us, both slaves I mean, were simultaneously objectified. When you told me he was coming, you referred to slave gary as a "fixture", and that's what he was, almost like a piece of furniture or decoration, existing only for your amusement. But at the same time, when I was on all fours and you were fucking me, chatting away as though I wasn't even there, my subservience to you was made clear. It was like I'd become nothing more than a slutty hole for you to fill and use as you saw fit, like my only worth was in how much enjoyment you could take from my presence. The fact that I was in ecstasy didn't matter, which is how it should be. I don't get that every session, but yesterday was a very good reminder of it.
    Of course, my absolute favorite moment was the end, when you finally allowed me to satisfy my craving and suck his cock. The position was particularly thrilling as well. You mentioned that you didn't want to put me in bondage for that part, but even without it, I still felt constrained, and that only added to my enjoyment of it. We were so close together, and his weight over me was so present, that there was no other function I could perform but to suck his cock and accept his cum. His cock was in my face and was not going to move; I had no choice but to try my best to please him (not that I'm complaining!). When I finally felt his cum all over my face, it was exhilarating. After the few times you've allowed me to receive another man's cum, I think I've become as much a cum whore as I am a cock whore. Wearing it and being fed it, it is the ultimate expression of what I am, a cock worshipping slut, as you said, nothing more than a "cum receptacle".
    All in all, yesterday's session was enlightening and exciting on a million different levels, and it amazes me that you still find ways to surprise me every time I see you.

"I am a cunt, I am to suck and be fucked."
-Sissy Brittney.